12: The Big Mistake Singleton Parents & Caregivers Make When Twins Are Born
In This Episode:
Jessica details her biggest recommendations for caregivers of twins. Knowing what the biggest mistake is helps you make decisions based on your goals with your twins, your home, and the health and the needs of your babies. As a mom to twin 16-year olds, previous nanny to twins, as well as sleep strategist to many families of multiples, Jessica knows first-hand those small tips that you or your family may have never thought of. This is a great episode to share with friends and family to help you prepare for this beautiful life change for your family so you can still prioritize the importance of each parent's mental health, your relationship with your partner, and saying yes to help without feeling guilty.
The Big Idea
Twins are not individuals in the first year of life
Questions I Answer
How can I prepare for the arrival of twins?
When should my twins learn to calm and soothe themselves?
What do you mean, my twins cry differently?
What is the best thing I can communicate to my twin’s caregivers?
What is the most important thing I can do when taking care of twin babies?
Actions to Take
Learn more about my Playbook Package which takes the guesswork out of tackling sleep with a step-by-step guide that includes strategies most books leave out - like how to recover when the day doesn’t go as planned
Learn more about my special, All-Inclusive Package that's dedicated to include caregivers within the planning so that families can reclaim their sleep and find the rhythm that works best for their family.
Help spread the word about our podcast (and help other parents) by leaving a review. Take a snapshot of the review, share it with a friend and send it over to me to let me know that you've left a review and what your feedback is!
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(00:00):
Hello friends and welcome to the Good Morning's podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode 12 "The Big Mistake Singleton Parents and Caregivers Make When Twins are Born".
(00:18):
Welcome to the Good Morning podcast. I'm your host Jessica Bryant. I'm a pediatric sleep strategist and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Many parents today are spinning their wheels, living from sun up to sundown in a cycle of overwhelm, frustration, and some serious exhaustion. I'm here to tell you there is another way. Let's follow that frustration together. Find out what's not working so you can decide to change course confidently and move towards a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow starts with a good morning. Having good mornings is more than sleep. It's about being intentional with how you set your child up for success in the world, how you show your child to care for their mind, their bodies and others so they can reach their full potential. And you, you are the best person for the job. So let's decide to have a good morning.
(01:30):
I am so excited to be here and talking about twins today. I thought it was the perfect way to celebrate commemorate my own twins that turn 16 today. I have actually kept alive children that were born at the same time for 16 whole years. So <laugh>, there is so many things to celebrate and I have some big tips for caregivers of new sets of twins and how you can support parents and some very specific mindset things to consider because I have seen this a lot in my practice. I tend to work with a lot of families with twins and I think this is not mentioned very often. So I'm excited to dive into some of my biggest recommendations for twins and sleep. So let's get started. Twins are not individuals in the first year of life. Well, they are. I know this is an unpopular statement, but hang with me for a few seconds in the sense that they don't need individual schedules.
(02:47):
I know that sounded harsh and if you know me, you know that I work to focus on the individual needs of each child and so I will. But let's start first with considering that especially for singletons. So if you are a parent that is not a twin or you are a grandparent that is not a twin and you did not raise twins, this is important information because I see this pattern repeat a lot in the struggles and the mental health of new families who are parents of twins in the first year of life. When two babies are adjusting to the world as much as two parents are adjusting to parenting twins, we cannot individualize everything for each baby. Think about it, babies entering the world need the same basic things. Love regular feedings, regular sleep and regular caring. You know, bathing, diaper changes, things like that.
(03:55):
At the same time, parents need regular feeding, regular sleep of some kind, and most people agree to an occasional shower or wipe down. I've seen it so often in my practice, the well-meaning nanny or grandparent coaching the new twin parent, that they are different babies with different needs. So changing up the schedule with rocking to sleep, holding to sleep, napping at different times is what needs to be done. And this well-meaning communication that often gets repeated over and over again can truly take a toll and impair the new mom or dad, the new twin mom or dad that is learning to this transit huge, that is learning this huge transition. I have seen it lead to the new twin mom feeling defeated and exhausted because again, two babies at once, providing all the needs, it's overwhelming. Just like parents will tell you when they have their second singleton, you don't have the same time you have when you had one baby when there are two.
(05:12):
And most importantly, mental health is at stake here. The pressure that I have seen nannies, doulas, and caregivers put on new twin parents is intense. And it's very well meaning. What happens is you'll have a family that, you know, grandparents come and mom and dad are there, or maybe it's mom and grandma have care of the infants all day. And so each caregiver can troubleshoot one baby. And so that one baby gets on the schedule of that grandparent rocking to sleep, holding to sleep, feeding maybe every two hours, maybe an hour and a half, whereas maybe the other baby is being fed every three hours. Then we've got them going down into separate rooms and you know the well-meaning caregiver is trying to take it all on themselves to give mom a break. And so I'm gonna show you some examples to possibly look at your twins separately or to have a conversation if you're pregnant with twins.
(06:29):
Have a conversation about these types of things to consider when your twins arrive and kind of prepping the caregivers because you need the help <laugh>. So we say yes to help when you're a twin mom, <laugh>, whatever anyone's offering, whether it's walking the dog or holding a baby or unloading the dishwasher. The answer is yes, thank you so much. Yes, there are some cases of twin births where one baby has more medical needs or feeding differences than the other. That takes a different timeline that requires different things. For example, when I was a nanny for three month old twins, the boy twin had an apnea monitor. Now of course, this was 1997. So these kind of monitors, you know, looked different than 2022, but he wore it strapped underneath his armpits and it just took more care. And he needed a different bathing routine. He needed different formula.
(07:36):
He had a little bit different pattern in his day. But as a nanny it was easier because you know, I was not the mom. I was not trying to do all the things for all the children in the house. I was just focusing on these two babies and I kept the schedule as close together as possible because that was the lead I was following from the mom. But of course there are differences. But once that little one is thriving or has a routine, it's best to then get the other twin's routine kind of scheduled up around the high needs twin at the time. After three months, twins need to be on the same feeding schedule during the day and they need to be going to bed at the same time at night. It's absolutely important for twin babies to learn to calm themselves and to soothe themselves as early as possible because even when the caregivers aren't there, there is gonna come a day, or it might have been from day one where there is only one caregiver.
(08:40):
Twins very quickly learn to wait their turn. And so if a caregiver's in the home and responding to those general wants versus emergency situations, but any kind of cry as responded to very, very quickly, it makes things more stressful when only one parent is there to to care for each child. So learning to soothe themselves as quickly as possible is important. I'm thinking, you know, around the eight to 16 week timeframe, it's very important for parents and caregivers to learn each child's different cries. What is their pain cry? They're uncomfortable, cry, dirty, cold. They're mad to be awake to cry. I'm trying to go back to sleep cry. That helps you so much as you move through the day. Caring twins. I have two examples of families I've worked with recently that had twins. In one case, mom and grandmother or nanny were tag teaming the twins under six months and mom was really working on a lot of these skills, but at the same time, she felt like because her mom had offered to come and help, she couldn't be specific about what she needed.
(10:13):
And some of that is because you're just exhausted and you're overwhelmed with the transition for caring for two babies. So it's okay, give yourself grace. But in this case, we had a medically fragile baby that was doing so much better. But again, that's a mindset and you know, that takes a lot of confidence in the parent and the grandparent that the child is healthy and has the ability to sleep, which is everything that was being communicated from the healthcare provider that was monitoring this child. And I was working with mom with a plan and helping to sync up schedules, which means we were waking babies from naps at the same time. We were lining up their three hour feeding schedule as closely as we could get them. We were watching for the sensitive twins, sleepy cues because we were leading with that child. So generally there's always one twin that's more sensitive around sleep than the other.
(11:25):
And I will say, you think you get it down and then they switch. And that is very common. So I will not say that the sensitive sleeper will always be the sensitive sleeper, but when we're working on sleep and we're working on sinking schedules, if we have a more sensitive baby or a baby with a stronger voice, meaning their cry is just very demanding and hard, baby sensory, re you know, their sensory needs there, those kind of things, we kind of lead with that baby, especially when that baby gets tired faster in the day than they're twin. So this could look like, oh, Molly has sleepy cues and you scoop Molly up, you snuggle her, you talk to her, you walk her back to her room, you know, change her diaper, put on her seat sack, give a little snuggle and lay her down in the crib.
(12:21):
And then within the next five, 10 minutes you are getting brother and taking him back even though he doesn't have all of the sleepy cues, but he does have those initial cues because you're figuring out their window and you're getting them down at the same time. And so by doing that and starting to institute that pattern, those babies pick up on it, oh, I communicate, I'm tired and I go and within three minutes to 15 minutes, brothers right behind. You know? And that really impacts kind of setting up that schedule. But all our best efforts with our schedules and our plan that we had with this family, it kept breaking down because the caregiver that was coming over was not committed to it. She was very much well meaning she wanted to help, she had lots of love for her grandchildren, but this baby needs something different.
(13:20):
So I'm gonna do this with this baby. And so not keeping it on the same schedule, or if mom had to leave for work or an appointment, and grandma had both, you know, she was struggling and she wasn't following the recommendations from mom, she was keeping babies on their own schedule. And this just continued to derail all the work we were putting into and communicating the rhythms and the day for these children. It was confusing them. And mom was just at a breaking point because she was so overwhelmed because everything she did backfired, you know, a few days later when grandma came to help. So, and I mean just the thought of not having help, I mean that's stressful. So that's the reason behind this message is how can I give you some small tips to consider that maybe you never thought of because you've never cared for twins before, which totally makes sense.
(14:22):
So my second family, they were a work from home family, they had a nanny and they also had a grandparent that was there many of the days. So once the parents were back to work in the home, they had one to two caregivers each day, plus mom or dad could step away from their work for small amounts of time to to help the baby. And what happened here was just a mess because single 10 caregivers are very single-minded. It's, oh, I'm gonna address this baby's needs, I'm gonna take care of them, I'm gonna rock them to sleep, I'm gonna hold them to sleep because that's what I did with my baby. And, and on and on and on. And it continued to be breaking the system down. You know, mom and dad on the weekend would get both twins sleeping in the same room. The twins adjusted to hearing each their siblings cry.
(15:23):
Parents worked hard to get the timing down and then they would, you know, sleep through the night. They were so close. And then the next Monday, oh I'm just gonna hold him for nap cuz it's cuddly and I love it. Oh no, a sister's crying and oh I think she's hungry, you know, so then I'm gonna try to feed her and I'm gonna hold her because I got him down and there was no rhythm, there was no pattern. So the best thing that caregivers can do is understand that there's two babies and the best plan is to get them their schedules synced up as soon as possible. So for that to happen, parents of twins need to have this mindset, especially if they're gonna help the caregivers have the same mindset too. So new twin parents need caregivers, helpers, and grandparents to help get the babies on the same schedule as soon as possible. And I mean as soon as possible, as very dependent on your twins needs. That may be something that happens at eight weeks, that may be something that happens at 20 weeks. But when you have this mindset moving forward at the beginning, it's much easier to get the moving pieces and the puzzle pieces lined up to set each twin up for success.
(16:56):
[Music] Are you looking for more support to help your child sleep better? I can help with my personalized sleep support packages. My most popular service is my Playbook Package where we hop on a call so I can learn all about your child and their sleep. After we build your child's unique sleep plan, you'll receive a written copy of what we discussed in a step-by-step format. The Sleep Happy Playbook Package keeps you feeling encouraged, confident, and gives you the tools to stay connected so that you can build your child's confidence in their new sleep routines. So the whole family is sleeping well fast, sometimes you just need a little support to help you reach your goals. Let me help you by taking the guesswork out of sleep. Sleep Happy is here for you to help you build a well-rested and connected home. After the episode you can visit the show notes for a direct link or you can go to www.sleephappyconsulting.com to find my Work With Me page. I can't wait to hear about your little one. Now back to the show. [Music]
(18:10):
So parents understand how much time it takes to feed, burp, wash, cuddle, change, and do all the things. And yes, I probably left off 20 other things that you have to do with twin babies, but having a concept of how long it can take you, you know you're gonna have babies that feed slow, you're gonna have babies that struggle to burp. I know for me at one point, which I don't remember exactly how old they were, it was taking me two and a half hours to feed change, burp all the things and and wash and all of the things. So have a concept of how long it takes to do all the caring needs. The second thing is understand how important each of the parent's mental health is. The time it takes you to feed yourself, attend checkups, have a moment to breathe. And yes, I know this may only mean 30 seconds, but just understand how important your mental health is and making note of that, talking with each other about it, not skipping over it, knowing how important the relationship with your partner is.
(19:32):
Because the best thing you can do for your twins is maintain a healthy relationship with their other parent. The next is to say yes, to help without feeling guilty, don't waste any time on guilt. I wasted so much time in the beginning feeling so guilty that I was not in a position to repay anyone that was bringing me diapers, bringing me food, picking up something from the grocery store for me. And I wasted a lot of energy because those people were not expecting anything, they weren't doing the helping, expecting something in return. And then one of the last pieces is identifying which baby is currently your sensitive sleeper and following that baby's cues first. So those are some mindset concepts and some talking points for parents to just acknowledge, to be mindful of just kind of the basics of of survival when twins come home.
(20:36):
Cause you really do scale back <laugh>. As far as caregivers, this is not a limited list, but here are some things to get you thinking on how you can help and how you can offer up brain space for parents to work on the schedule. For little ones, you can serve mom food, you can unload the dishwasher, you can restock paper plates, you can help prep bottles or nursing supplies. You can provide water snacks for mom. Another thing is note taking. Bringing her the list or helping her update her app. However she's doing, tracking that is easy on her brain to see what baby needs, what next. Changing diapers, feeding the dog, taking the trash out, waking baby for naps from naps and getting them changed and prepped and bringing babies to mom to feed. Super helpful for burping. Taking the baby after the feed. If mom is nursing and doing the burping and really diving into the sleepy cues and helping knowing the windows that you're working on at that moment and knowing the differences between each baby, that really helps too.
(22:04):
Oh, she is determined when this baby is tired, we have to go right away, you know, or this baby is such a happy guy, it's really hard to pay attention to cues. And then, oh my goodness, we realize he's been up an hour more than his age. Appropriate wake time, you know? So today, you know, I'm gonna watch for Willie's cues because they've been hard to see lately. Those are some really easy tips to start with that just kind of go along with, I'm here to help. I'm not gonna question everything, but I am gonna see that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and I'm gonna unload it. I see that we don't have any lunch supplies, I'm gonna stop by the store before I come over and I'm gonna get you, you know, soup or sandwiches or you know, salads, you know, something nutritious for mom to be eating.
(22:58):
That just saves brain space for her keeping track of things. And when mom or dad are not home, being mindful of putting the babies down on the same schedule and giving them the space to settle their bodies and calm for sleep. Keeping bedtimes and naps synced as usual using those strategies, which we can definitely go into more detail if you ever need a personalized support plan. I've got my sleep playbook, but I'm just putting some little ideas in your head so that you can see what I mean about that uncomfortable statement that I made at the beginning of our chat. That twins are not, not individuals, <laugh> in the first year of life. So to recap, first I recommend singleton new twin parents to sit down and make sure that you have considered the mind step thoughts. The five suggestions that I had to understand how much time it takes to feed and care for each baby.
(24:11):
To understand how important each of the parents' mental health is to understand how important the relationship between the parents is. We're gonna say yes to help without feeling guilty. And number five, we're going to identify who is the most sensitive sleeper right now. And then we are gonna communicate our goals to caregivers. And since we've thought through all these things and we can craft what our goals with our twins and our home is, you can jot that down. You can make decisions based on the health and the needs of your baby, of when you want to get them on the same schedule. Some people have twins on the same schedule at six weeks. Some people have twins on the same schedule at 18 weeks. So communicate that to your caregivers. Be specific about how they can help and understand that they don't know anything different.
(25:15):
They only have their life experience. So I will say for example, I'm an only child. My husband is an only child and both of our mothers are only children. So when we surprisingly got pregnant with twins, they were shocked and they were so worried for my oldest child, they just felt so guilty for her and it was just so awful that she was just gonna have to two babies arrive and you serve her as the only child and all of that. And, and she was great <laugh>. She was in love from the beginning and she did great with it, but they were stressed. But at the same time, my mom was very strict in her patterns when I was a child. And she was very quickly like, there is no way we can survive. And I had already been very dialed into the patterns I created for Madeline.
(26:14):
So you better believe if I was gonna maintain my sanity, I was getting the twins on the same schedule as soon as possible. So they learned really quickly and they, they followed my lead because they saw the value in it and they were not just constantly coming back to me and saying, it's not fair for this one baby to have to do blah, blah, blah. Which it's hard and it's not saying anything negative, but again, it's a mindset. We have to change our thoughts before we can change our actions. So first, parents need to be on the same page and in agreement. Second, you need to kind of have some thoughts about what your family needs and how you want it to look. And then thirdly, you know, in an encouraging way, communicate it to caregivers. And if you ever need any help with this, I have a special package that's dedicated to include caregivers.
(27:15):
I can have phone calls with caregivers. I can make sure that the whole family is on the same sleep team <laugh>, so that you are all sleeping well in creating that well rested home from the start so that we're mentally healthy so that we can parent the way that we've always dreamed and these new twin babies can grow and develop and thrive as well rested individuals, <laugh>. Feel free to screenshot this episode and tag me and let me know what you thought. Um, let me know what follow up questions you have and I would love to hear about your twins and how they're sleeping. I'm off to go celebrate my twins and so thanks for joining us today. If you have not visited my website and signed up for our emails, please go to www.sleephappyconsulting.com and subscribe so that you can easily get a drop of encouragement in your inbox, learn more about Sleep Happy, and be motivated to keep those restful nights and good mornings coming as I join you through your inbox to help you navigate parented feeling rested and fulfilled. Thanks for listening.
(28:40):
I sure hope you left feeling encouraged. I loved hanging out with you today and I am so grateful you were here. If you would like more information about Sleep Happy, be sure to visit our website at sleephappyconsulting.com and sign up for our weekly emails. If you liked what you heard today, please share this podcast with your friends or your favorite parenting group. I can't wait to get to know you and learn more about how I can lift you up in the journey of parenting. Fulfilled families are our mission. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is The Good Mornings Podcast.
Jessica Bryant helps parents stop fighting sleep with their young children. She provides strategies to help babies sleep through the night, take naps, and stay healthy.
