13: Dear Expectant Parents: A love letter from a Sleep Strategist
In This Episode:
This episode is a heartfelt and valuable message for any expected parent that comes from Jessica’s personal experience in becoming a mother as well as her many years of sitting on floors and working with tired parents on sleep for their family. She reflects on the biggest pieces missing from parenting advice - encouragement for you - and delivers a large dose of it with five of her favorite tips. Jessica fully believes that as humans, we are meant to be a community to really bring up fulfilled children and fulfilled families. We're not meant to do it alone. And she really wants you to know that you are not alone, even though you can feel that way.
The Big Idea
You are enough. Trust yourself. Know your baby best. At the same time, know that you are NOT supposed to know it all. Make asking for help and accepting help part of your parenting.
Questions I Answer
How can I trust that I know my baby better than anyone?
How long does it take to build my confidence in parenting?
How can I find someone to help guide me as a new parent?
What is a quick fix for sleep?
What tips do you have for expectant parents?
Actions to Take
Make a point to remind yourself to Trust Yourself First. It can take practice to learn to shift your focus to reflecting on what you think is best in whatever situation you are dealing with. If you decide you need support, ask for help.
Help spread the word about our podcast (and help other parents) by leaving a review. Take a snapshot of the review, share it with a friend and send it over to me to let me know that you've left a review and what your feedback is!
Got ideas for next season? DM us on Instagram @sleephappy or send us an email.
Resources + Links
My FREE It Starts With Sleep Parenting Framework for all ages tells you exactly where to start and why. Hitting the pause button is the first step in helping your child's sleep well every night.
For more information about finding a MOPS group in your area click here. (MOPS stands for Moms of PreSchoolers)
New Mom School is a local postpartum group in Keller Texas, you can find more information about this group here.
Bringing Baby Home - The Research
I quoted Whitney Rowell in this podcast. Whitney is a mom of 3 and the founder of Miracle Milk Kookies, Moments for Mom Podcast, and HerStory.
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(00:00):
Hello friends and welcome to the Good Morning's podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode 13, "Dear Expectant Parents: A love letter from a Sleep Strategist".
(00:17):
Welcome to the Good Morning podcast. I'm your host Jessica Bryant. I'm a pediatric sleep strategist and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Many parents today are spinning their wheels, living from sun up to sundown in a cycle of overwhelm, frustration, and some serious exhaustion. I'm here to tell you there is another way. Let's follow that frustration together. Find out what's not working so you can decide to change course confidently and move towards a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow starts with a good morning. Having good mornings is more than sleep. It's about being intentional with how you set your child up for success in the world, how you show your child to care for their mind, their bodies and others so they can reach their full potential. And you, you are the best person for the job. So let's decide to have a good morning.
(01:30):
I can't believe it's our last episode in our very first season of the Good Morning's podcast. It just brings me so much joy that we have accomplished this goal to serve you better in a new way and to offer those little bits of encouragement. So thank you so much for being here and being a part of this journey for us. You know, looking back over the last 12 episodes, I hope you have found a mix of some tips and encouragement. You know, from 'Surviving the Fall Time Change' to a 'Travel-Sleep Pep Talk'. I know one of your favorites was my 'Early Wake-Ups' podcast, so we've got things from the inbox and 'What Matters Most for a Toddler'. I think that was one of my favorites. And then also my, 'It Starts with Sleep', episode nine. That was really something that everyone can use when we're struggling with sleep.
(02:36):
It's that little bitty piece, that first step on how to hit the pause button and start looking at your routines and patterns within your family that are affecting your child's sleep. And of course you can always reach out to me for personal support if, you know, following that download led to so many more questions that you had and really looking for that support. I hope you found a place in this podcast where you felt encouraged and you found those parenting messages that are helpful and encouraging and taking a little bit of the pressure off of the performance world, the output world of all the things you need to do be doing for your child, or it makes you feel like you have to be doing for your child outside of the home and helping you really redirect and think, "Do we have the routines and rhythms in our home in place to create a well-rested and connected family?".
(03:43):
I also hope you felt encouraged that for yourself to trust yourself and the way you want to lead as a parent because there is so much value in that. And we all as a worldwide community need you to be you because you're bringing such joy and positivity and worth to us as a community. This podcast journey has definitely been something new for me and my team and we again, we're just so grateful for you walking alongside us, leaving messages, sharing with your Facebook groups, your community groups, your play groups, also your businesses, your, you know, when you go to work, do you have family employee wellness initiatives where they support families sharing on a podcast on those boards at your business. All of that is helping us on our mission to create well-rested connected families for children to launch from because <laugh> well-rested children change the world.
(04:53):
So let's get started. Today I'm doing something a little bit different. I'm going to read a letter I wrote to expectant moms a few years ago, and while this letter is from one mom to another, I really want to encourage you to share, or if you are a partner, to go ahead and keep listening. I just really think that it's helpful for both parties. I'm hopeful it starts some communication or some questions or some planning and talking with each other about both of you's transition into parenting. I feel like it's a valuable message for any expected parent as well as the birthing mom. This definitely comes from my personal experience in becoming a mother as well as my years sitting on floors and working with tired parents on sleep. So here we go.
(05:48):
Dear expectant mom and your partner, first of all, you are beautiful and your body is amazing. You're growing a little life inside of you. Take care of yourself, love yourself and cherish as much of your pregnancy as you can. PS I know it's not a walk in the park and you might only cherish five minutes of it and that's okay, but I just thought that was important to add <laugh>, believe me, I know I had five pregnancies, two of which produced live births. As they say, one of them was overdue, 41 weeks plus healthy baby and the other was a surprising out of nowhere twin pregnancy after a 15 week loss. So I know how it is being pregnant and there are times that you are able to cherish it and there are other times that that things make it hard. So over the last seven years as a practicing sleep consultant plus the years in various roles in child development, I feel led to share this letter I wrote four years ago.
(07:01):
Parenting has changed since I first became a mom at 27 in 2003. The amount of information that is at your fingertips is intense and around every unexpected corner it's inescapable. You are bombarded over, stimulated and possibly confused by all the messages. I hear a lot from families that are like, there's so much information about sleep. I just, I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start with my own child. And for that reason I'm worried. I'm worried about parents and I have been for a while now. I'm worried that today's parents learned fear and to trust things outside themself when they know their baby better than anyone, even if they're just getting to know their baby. I worry that parents are so distracted by alerts and prompts in alarm bells that there's no space left for building trust in your own instincts. As a mother and as a parent, I feel like the messages out there in the world are missing one thing.
(08:17):
No one is encouraging you. The messages aren't there are, they're hard to find. How often do you see a reminder that you are the mom? The message to hit pause and reflect on what you know best about your baby, to listen to your inner voice, your instincts, or maybe it's your gut to answer the challenge in the moment. In a quick fix world, parents often feel like time is ticking away. I still remember that moment in the first weeks of becoming a mother that I had to step back and think and focus and like just have a moment to ask myself, what do I think is best to do in this situation? And it was very different than anything I had ever done in terms of life. You know, whether it was relationships or school or parents. I personally didn't remember a time when I had, maybe I just don't remember it, but I had physically stopped myself and said, does this make sense or are you just doing this because your mother-in-law said too, or you know, the lady at the park said too?
(09:39):
And the difference it made by starting that practice of just catching myself from time to time and regrouping really built my confidence as a new mom. So I want to be that voice. If it's missing in your life that you know your baby best, trust your instincts. That does not mean that I'm saying that you know, everything there is to know about being a mother or a parent. That is not the case. But if you're starting with yourself, it gives you clarity in where to go because you can talk about your frustrations or your successes or your dreams or goals on how you want your household rhythms to look. So stopping yourself and listening to what your inner voice and guidance is offering that answer will either come to you and acknowledge what you think you should do next or it will come to you and say, I think you need to ask for help.
(10:47):
You know, I think you need to find who you trust for that guidance. You don't have to know it all. I'm gonna repeat that a million times in this letter. You actually aren't meant to because as humans, we're meant to connect. We're meant to be a community, we're meant to be a village to, to really bring up fulfilled children and fulfilled families. We're not meant to do it alone. So I know we've said it, but you and your partner will know your baby better than anyone. You will fail and you will succeed. I once that a parent tell me, "Jessica, just tell me what the right thing is. I don't want to make a mistake." And my reply to her was, "you know your baby best". These are several options that I would suggest testing so that you can discover what works best. So start with the option I'm offering that you feel most connected to and let's do that and see how your, your baby responds.
(11:54):
Making mistakes is a normal part of the parenting journey and the more mistakes we make, the faster we learn what our baby needs and what works best for us. Give yourself lots of grace. None of us knew what we were doing when we became a parent, I promise <laugh>, and we still don't because we've never parented a child at our child's age right this moment. I personally have never parented a 15 year old boy in 2022. Yes, I parented a 15 year old girl and 2018, but she was a different human in a different time. And quite frankly, I'm not the same person that I was in 2018. Before I get to my favorite tips for expected parents, let's take a mid episode break. It's actually something that can help you and it's absolutely free.
(12:51):
[Music] Not sure where to start with improving your child's sleep? Well, I have the perfect solution for you. My It Starts with Sleep Parenting Framework for all ages tells you exactly where to start and why. Hitting the pause button is the first step in helping your child's sleep well every night. To access your free It Starts with Sleep Parenting Framework visit the show notes below this episode or go to www.sleephappyconsulting.com/free. Now let's get back to the show. [Music]
(13:37):
Okay, we're back and it's time to jump into five of my favorite tips to encourage expectant parents. Number one, crying is not bad. Crying is your baby's primary communication. Crying is stress relieving. Crying is healthy. It's actually the first thing we wait to hear from our newborns to Signal Health. Crying is your baby's voice and should not always be shushed. Number two, learn your baby's cues. Get a reference, go to my website and download the It. Starts with Sleep Parenting Framework and keep it nearby <laugh>, except that at first it's gonna feel like learning a foreign language <laugh>. So you need to make notes of your newborns, cries, signals, gestures, body language, time of day rhythm. In the beginning it's gonna feel like a lot, but if you focus on it and take notes and talk with your partner about it, it's going to lead to great things. <laugh>
(14:47):
Learning the difference between hunger and sleepy cues will literally change your life and make your days easier. It takes time and there's no deadline. Number three, oh, this is a big one I feel like gets missed in society today, and I want you to know that one of the most important things you can do for your baby is maintain a healthy relationship with your partner. Often the person who is not the primary caregiver feels helpless in those early months. When babies seem to only want mom because of breastfeeding, the transition to parenting can be the hardest transition of your relationship. Talk about your desires when you're pregnant and expecting. Talk about how you're, you wanna cope with those days where you're feeling overwhelmed or nothing's working or stressed out. How are you gonna communicate to each other? How is, you know, coming home with this new baby and still having the task to do in the house, how are those gonna get done?
(15:55):
Those, are we gonna ask for help? Is the partner gonna take it over? And then another question is, how do you want your relationship to look as a couple when you're adding this new child? Do you wanna live his roommates or do you want to still be that intimate loving couple? Because it does take intention because you're adapting to a whole new world and keeping a tiny human alive and adjusting to the changes in your daily routine. And the reason I bring this up is that, for example, researchers Gottman and Gottman study the effect of becoming parents on couples and found that 67% of couples became very unhappy with each other during the first three years of their baby's life. That's alarming To me. That means only 33% remained content. I feel like I was really lucky that, um, one of the books that I read when I was pregnant was, um, the Baby Whisper.
(17:05):
And one of the things that she said in her book that was one of those things I could do before Madeline was here, was to reflect on what I wanted my relationship to be like with Alan. And he will even tell you that we set that intention, I brought it up in 2003 to saying, you know, I want us to still feel connected and healthy and I also want us to still like each other when our children leave home. And our oldest child launched in 2021, um, and is in college now, and I have two more kiddos in high school that are two and a half years away from launching into the world. So we are grateful that along the way we made our relationship a priority as we reflect. There was definitely absolutely hard times. Definitely. So that's a podcast for another time, but one of the biggest examples is that time your partner comes in, maybe they've been gone all day, you're connecting with them, you're greeting them, kissing them, hugging them, looking into their eyes, whatever that looks like, it looks like different for everyone and the baby starts crying from the floor or the bedroom or whatever.
(18:25):
So, and just not instantly in making the baby the largest priority, finishing that kiss, finishing that embrace, and then, you know, it's okay if the baby cries for a few moments and then going and getting the baby if it's early in the morning and you're finishing intimate relationships, finish that and then go get the baby because you know the baby's in a safe place. Those few minutes of crying and prioritizing your relationship as a couple and then getting to them. We're not talking about we're ignoring the child for an hour, um, at this point, but just considering that even though sometimes your instincts is, you know, to go very quickly. Now obviously there are times when it is a, an emergency and, and you must, but don't make that habit of, of making your partner feel like they're not valued at all because the second there is a pee from the child, you are completely distracted in paying attention to the baby because over time I have seen that build a huge wedge in families and I've actually done it myself.
(19:32):
So that's just a little example of where those little pieces that you can prioritize the connection between you and your partner. You know, even if you've got older toddlers and they're, they're calling you or pulling, you know, your leg, your clothing and you're in that embraces from, you know, you've both just gotten home from work and you just, you're you're connecting and reentering the home. That's really valuable. So that's something I'm super passionate about and I talk about a lot. Number four, I get this question every week, <laugh>, no, you cannot create bad habits the first 12 weeks of your baby's life. Love on your baby, hold cuddle, be off schedule, be on schedule feed. When you see those hunger cues, comfort when you see the baby seeking that, expect them to have periods where they scream and nothing you do works so you just have to get through it.
(20:36):
Baby is adjusting to the new environment and you as parents are ingesting to keeping that tiny human alive and, and your environment is, has also drastically changed. But definitely trust your frustrations. Mothers come to me at different times when they are in the newborn stage. I just wanna schedule, I I need a schedule for my sanity. You know, that may be a person who is not ready for a schedule for six months and then there are other people who are ready for a schedule at five months. That's not saying that we can always make the schedule, but we can always move towards it and make baby steps. So if I say there is no bad habits, but then your second question is, I can't keep up this pace, this is not working, then definitely trust that frustration and follow it and ask for help. Reach out to me.
(21:32):
Have someone to come and hold the baby and give you, give you a break depending on what kind of frustration that is. Definitely schedules definitely depend on when your baby's feeding is going really well, whether they're drinking from a bottle or a breast, um, they're tummy, their reflux, any of those kind of things that kind of in the first two months can be kind of wonky once those are going well and easy and sometimes that's two weeks in. But that's definitely the first goal is that bonding and feeding and tummy troubles under control. And then we can definitely work on rhythms and, um, work towards schedules because some parents crave a routine. Number five, ask for help. And as I saw on social media on Miracle Milk, Whitney Rael posted in her story a really important piece about asking for help. The other important piece of that is also accepting help and realizing you do not have to know at all.
(22:44):
You're not expected to. I know the messages are telling you that I know your readings of social media posts or you've heard stories from for years of your sister-in-law and it felt like those people knew it all and you've got to tell your brain that they didn't because it's false. Asking for help is part of parenting, whether it's from a neighbor or an elderly neighbor in my case who came over to sit in the house while the twins napped and I ran to get my older child from school. Whether you reach out to me as a sleep strategist for support, a night nanny, a lactation consultant, a lady from church or your community who comes in and washes your dishes or, or walks the dog or the 12 year old down the street that will sit with your toddler and play amazing games, be open to help and accept it, that will be a huge part of their growth and your mental health in becoming a parent.
(23:48):
If someone asks for help, I know sometimes it can be so hard to assign a task, but if you can jot down things that you are comfortable allowing people to do before you have a baby and put that on the fridge, that will help you be able to answer that question for help, it will help your partner if you wanna pass that off to them or if they take that on themselves, you can say yes, that would be great if you'd walk the dog. Yes, that would be great if you pick these three things up at the grocery store for me and drop it on my porch. Or if you wanna set up a meal train, awesome. Here's how I would like it to look. That's super helpful. Also, make use of grocery delivery. Uber Eats, Amazon Fresh, anything that gives you more time to heal and bond with your baby and possibly take care of little ones.
(24:40):
I actually gave a talk at MOPS when my twins were a year old. Accepting help can actually be a massive gift to the other person. It makes them feel purposeful, it makes them feel trusted and they feel like they are giving of themselves and helping you. And so it's massive. I know as a mom that was something I really struggled with because I felt like I could not return the help when my twins were born. I was underwater and there was no room to, you know, trade kids or anything those first couple of months and you know, I couldn't cook them a meal and deliver it to them to pay them back. I was really caught on, you know, it has to be paid back in a certain amount of time and I had it all wrong, <laugh>. And so that was my, my mob's talk was on.
(25:33):
So encouraging you to ask for help and accept help and get good at accepting help, I think is, is really a great life skill. So I'm signing that letter with love and light from me, a mom of three and a sleep strategist. I hope this letter will be a resource, something to tuck in a book on your bedside table. I'll definitely share a printed version in my show notes or you can bookmark this episode on your home screen when you need a moment of encouragement and love. I want it to be a mantra of sorts for you to have close when the hours get tough and you need a little reminder that you are doing great, your body is healing, you're taking care of another human, or two or three, you're adjusting to a whole new world. And most of all, you are enough. Trust yourself, know your baby best.
(26:31):
You are not expected to know it all. And asking for help is okay. <laugh>, I'm here for you if you need me. Sending you each love and light from this mom of three to you. If there's only one thing that you take from today's episode, I hope you're reminded to trust your instincts and know that you know your baby best. I hope you value your voice inside over smart devices, social accounts, your friends, your family, and those other messages that you are bombarded with all the time. Every parent has a gift and is meant to follow their own instincts. Those instincts and that voice will tell you your values, your frustrations, and how you want to approach them. They'll tell you what your dreams are about being a parent and let that be a guide to lead you on your journey. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's show.
(27:30):
In our final episode of our very first season. I've learned so much along the way and I'm eager to hear your feedback. I would love you to tag me in a story. Just tag @sleephappy, and tell me take a picture of you listening to the podcast or have talk into um, the video and let me know about what you think of the first season or a specific episode. And I'd love to know if you have any ideas for our next season and what you're hoping to hear from us. Thank you again for being part of our community and helping us in our mission of lifting up more moms and dads and helping more families have good mornings. Thank you guys so much for being here.
(28:26):
I sure hope you left, feeling encouraged. I loved hanging out with you today and I am so grateful you were here. If you would like more information about Sleep Happy, be sure to visit our website at sleephappyconsulting.com and sign up for our weekly emails. If you liked what you heard today, please share this podcast with your friends or your favorite parenting group. I can't wait to get to know you and learn more about how I can lift you up in the journey of parenting. Fulfilled families are our mission. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is The Good Mornings podcast.
Jessica Bryant helps parents stop fighting sleep with their young children. She provides strategies to help babies sleep through the night, take naps, and stay healthy.
