20: Help with Toddler Emotions with Linsey Hammon
In This Episode:
In this episode, Jessica is joined by Linsey Hammon, Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor who is passionate about helping kids thrive during stressful times. Parents often ask how they can better prepare their children for upcoming stressors like adding a new sibling and Linsey answers these questions and more in today’s conversation.
The Big Idea
You as the parent are in charge of setting boundaries. And it’s helpful to remember your child is looking to you to set those boundaries because boundaries make children feel safe, supported and less stressed.
Questions I Answer
How do I prepare my other child for bringing home a new baby?
How to prepare children for change?
Why are routines and boundaries so important for young children?
How to handle a change with toddlers?
Can we raise children where we respect their autonomy as an individual with their own individual thoughts, feelings, desires but also still be the parent?
Actions to Take
What can you do to prepare your child for an upcoming change? Start talking about it with them, break it down in small conversations and have your child take part in the preparation. And don’t forget to tie it back to an emotion!
Book support to take sleep off your to-do list
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Key Moments In The Show
4:15 - What Linsey wishes she knew before becoming a mom
5:12 - Preparing kids for these really normal experiences (a baby not sleeping through the night)
9:33 - Natural patterns children follow after stressful events or life changes
11:37 - acknowledging additional emotional burdens
13:50 - Choices made in survival mode vs protecting routines
18:58 - Pausing to think of changes from a kids perspective
22:17 - Mindset shift examples to help your children with when it comes to changes
26:15 - Children seek boundaries
28:50 - The choices to allow children
30:47 - Linsey’s favorite thing for children experience changes around bedtime
37:51 - Role playing with children about changes, aka communicating through play
About Today’s Guest
Linsey is a Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor and she is passionate about helping kids thrive during stressful life events. She is the owner of Lighthouse Counsel Center, located in Dallas-Fort Worth, where kids and teens can find hope, healing, and joy during times of illness, injury, and grief. Linsey and Tom have been married for twenty-three years, are the parents of two incredible daughters, and recently welcomed a son-in-law to the mix.
UPDATE: On June 21, 2023 (after the recording of this episode) Linsey changed the name of her center to Lighthouse of Hope because she felt it better represented her unwavering commitment to helping children navigate life’s challenges with strength. Which is just so exciting! I have updated the information below to reflect this update.
Find her online:
Website: www.lighthousecounselcenter.com www.lighthouseofhopetx.com
Resources + Links
The Invisible String - Shared on Linsey’s Book Love Friday on Instagram and on FB
Want to know what typical sleep looks like for a child four months to six years? Then download our Sleep Milestones Guide.
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Jessica Bryant 0:00
Hello friends and welcome to Good Mornings. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode 20. Help with Toddler Emotions with Linsey Hammon. In the midst of conflicting messages and societal pressures, my goal is to offer a unique perspective to you. Rather than glorifying busyness and devaluing rest, you should question whether society's priorities are skewed. What if you placed a higher emphasis on sleep within your family couldn't have the power to change your world. Of course, I'm not suggesting that you abandon yourself in all other aspects of your life in favor of mapping and bedtime routines, nor should you sacrifice relationships, travel or fun to ensure your child is always rested. However, I'm suggesting that resolving sleep issues can instill greater confidence and freedom and your family and allow you to better appreciate life's joys. All thanks to waking up, well rested each morning. I am Jessica Bryant, an internationally recognized pediatric sleep strategist motivational speaker, wife, and mother of three, including twins. Like you, I understand the pressures parents feel today. And as an expert on sleep, I'm here to help you choose good mornings.
Jessica Bryant 1:35
Hello, and welcome back to our series on what we wish we knew before we became a parent. This has been so much fun. I hope you enjoyed our last episode where many different women shared their moments of what they wish they knew before becoming a parent. And this week, we're going to have another mom share what she wished she knew before becoming a parent. And what's interesting is that she's also a practitioner and works with children. And it's that great example, as she says later in the show of it doesn't matter what our degrees are, it doesn't matter what our experiences are. When we become parents, we are doing the best we can in the moment, and with the resources we have. So I'm excited for Linsey Hammon to join us today. And I hope you enjoyed the conversation. So let's get started.
Jessica Bryant 2:44
I'm so excited about today's episode, because I have Linsey Hammon joining us. And she is going to share what she wishes she knew before becoming a mom. And you're not gonna want to miss what else she shares, because she's got some serious genius when it comes to young children, and emotions and all kinds of things. So you're going to want to stay tuned. So let's dive in. Welcome, Linsey. How are you?
Linsey Hammon 3:11
Hi, Jessica. I'm very well. Thanks for having me today.
Jessica Bryant 3:15
I'm very excited. I'm so excited. We're doing this. And for those of you who don't know, Linsey and I have known each other for 15 ish years, that's a godly, and we've worked together in several different capacities, whether it be PTA at our children's school, we also created together a support group for moms with children with dyslexia. We plan on taking our kids to the Capitol to tour on dyslexia day, and brought a lot of great things to our district for parents with that journey of dyslexia. And more recently, she opened her own business. And so we have been collaborating together on things because we both have a shared passion for children. So let's dive into the theme of this season. What do you wish you knew before becoming a mom?
Linsey Hammon 4:15
This is a very interesting question, Jessica, because I think that there could be many different answers to it. But let me maybe start by saying a little bit about what I knew as a professional, and I'm a certified child life specialist by profession. So my job inside the hospital was to help teach kids and prepare them for medical experiences that they were having. I was a child life specialist before I became a mom. So you would think a little bit that I would have already understood how important it is that we inform our kids and prepare our kids for things that are happening in the home. And I did not even do that. It was like my professional side of my brain that knew what kids needed when they were experiencing change and stress just checked out when I was home and I didn't even really, really think about that. As, as I've been kind of going through my kids are older now My oldest is 22, and just got married, and my youngest daughter is 20. So if you're doing the math, they're just about two years apart.
Linsey Hammon 5:12
And one night, my youngest daughter was an infant. And she was not sleeping through the night. Of course, at this point, she was needing to get up and eat in the night, and would need to have her diaper changed prior to that. And so this night, in particular, I can remember being in her nursery with her where we'd gone in for me to change her diaper, and then get ready to nurse her. And my younger daughter's bedroom was right down from my older daughter's bedroom, sorry, was right down the hall from that, and the baby is just wailing. And my older daughter, I hear her door open and she comes down the hall. And this is the middle of the night you guys like to in the morning, right in the middle of the night. And here comes little Grace down the hall. And her eyes are barely even, like, open and she's got her little hands and fists. And she kind of rubs her face and sticks her arms down firmly at her side. And she said, "Why does she always do this?", talking about the baby, you know, crying and throwing up bed. And I remember sort of saying to her something along the lines of "You know, well, this is how babies communicate with their parents. And she doesn't have another way to say what it is that she needs, and her little tummy empties fast and needs to get some more food in it. And so I'll take care of her in just a minute. And she'll be quiet, we know why don't you gone back to bed."
Linsey Hammon 6:33
And I remember thinking about how normal it was for me to expect an infant to be up in the middle of the night needing to be changed and needing to be fed. But how abnormal that shift was for Grace as she became a big sister, you know, and and how simple it would have been even to have just said, you know, this baby, she's not gonna even be able to sleep all the way through the night. And sometimes that might disrupt you, or sometimes that might wake you up, or sometimes that might feel really frustrating, you know, and we're gonna get through that together. And she won't always do this, you know, there will come a time, even though sometimes I was like self soothing in the middle of the night, reminding my own self that she wouldn't always do this. You know, but I guess that that's kind of one of the things that when I became a mom, I wish that I had anticipated some of those normal things of raising kids and I had done maybe a better job of preparing my own kids for these really normal experiences. Because as an adult, we can kind of anticipate that they're going to happen. And I think we maybe we take for granted how little the other kids will notice or how little it will affect them. When the truth is that if we can just give them information right up front, then when that thing does start to come up, and then they it feels okay, it doesn't feel like a surprise to them. Because they've had that opportunity to prepare themselves for that shift.
Jessica Bryant 8:04
Less stress, such a good illustration of just the child's perspective. And I think there's so much going on. And like you said your background is in child development, whereas mine is too, and I kind of come at it lots of times that everyone thinks that way. And that's not the truth. Everyone has their own genius and their own unique gifts. And a lot of times with just all the things that are going on in your life in your physical body, having a baby, adjusting to feeding and you know, coming home from birthing the baby, and then you're worried about the oldest and you know, all of those things, that whole thought process of, "Oh, I wonder how the child sees this?", you know, with very limited life experience to line it up, right? Because there's several times I've talked with families about preparing for the second child and one of their biggest worries is exactly what you explained. Well, the baby is going to cry in the middle of the night, which is normal, and it's gonna wake up the older child and then how am I going to soothe myself when both people are up in the middle of the night? And you know, no one's no one's going back to bed, which Grace was, you know, she got the answer she needed. You know, she went back to her room and she eventually went back to sleep. But I am always saying it's usually around that six week hold point where they're the older child is like, Oh, I guess this child is here to stay. This baby isn't going away. And you just don't think of you know, it could just be it. You don't know what the child's thinking is the child just thinking the baby's here for a day or two or it just cries one night, all of those different things
Linsey Hammon 9:58
and like the shiney of the emotion oh wait this high that you ride of having this new baby like that starts to wear off a little bit for everybody. And you know, it's interesting that you would say that six week mark is when the older kids kind of start to ask questions you know about what's happening, or why is this kids still doing this? Because what I see in my work when I work with kids who are affected by, you know, illness or injury or death in their, in their family, is that kids can hold things together for about two and a half to three months, just drawing from their own resiliency, before, there, the wheels start to come off of their emotional bus, so to speak. And so a lot of times what we see, and you could almost set your clock, by the way by that calendar. So it's interesting that even in terms of celebrating something new, bringing a new child into the home, that we see a very similar, we see a very similar pattern. And it's that kids are just drawing on what they have. And parents think like, oh, they're doing fine. They're so adjusted here, it's no problem they're doing so well. And then you get, you know, two, two and a half, three months out from that. And now you start to see these behaviors that you had not seen before. And they're like, What happened to my kid? Because they were doing so well. And the reality is, is it's just this natural pattern that we see anytime that kids are faced with a stressful life event. And I would suggest that having adding a new baby to the family is a stressful life event. Glorious and happy as that might be it is a stressful life event and the kids experience it too.
Jessica Bryant 11:37
That is so interesting to just have that knowledge that the research is there that backs up that how did you say it the children can hold it together? For you know, those three months until there starts to be that kind of breakdown or in that mode, emotional overload almost, because what I talked so much about is maintaining the the older child's sleep routines and their bedtime routine, whether it is a different caregiver, because mom is in the hospital, thinking in terms of if they have a baby, that's a NICU, so both mom and dad are gone for multiple days and things like that different babysitters, family members, caregivers, being consistent with those daily routines are comforting to children, when everything else on the outside is outside their control, and they possibly can't make sense of it. And then I wonder how else how that plays into if their routines are off. And that older child is sleep deprived. And when they hit that resiliency, and it breaks down because they are overloaded, and I'm sure there's better medical terms than than what I'm using for that breaking point for that child.
Linsey Hammon 12:55
Yeah, I think it's best also for our conversation, that we even steer away from some of those medical terms. So I think that the way you're describing it is great. Because you know, it doesn't matter what your job is, or how many degrees you have, you're just a person making the best decision that you think you can possibly make in the moment. We're just people trying to figure it out as we go. And I think that society doesn't really set us up for extending grace to ourselves for that, especially as moms, but I think that dads feel that too. And maybe, especially for dads, you know, like dads are supposed to just be the strong ones and kind of suck it up and pull it all together and just keep going to work every day. And maybe we don't really create enough space to acknowledge the additional emotional burden that they're carrying, even though it seems like nothing really changed for them. So I think it's great for us to just have a normal conversation, steering clear of some of the fancy, the fancy jargon of it all.
Linsey Hammon 13:50
And you actually reminded me of a story, when you were talking just now about the decisions that we make under times of stress and how that sleep routine is so important. And I'm remembering a family that I worked with recently. And this was not a situation where they were bringing a new child into the home. It was a situation where there were four children, the youngest was nine, and the 11 year old brother got very sick and spent an extended amount of time in the hospital and then ultimately died from that illness. And the nine year old definitely had a disrupted sleep routine during that time. There were lots of different people, important people to the kids, grandparents, aunts and uncles, you know, familiar people, people who love them, staying in the home and trying to maintain some consistency of routine which of course is critical during that time. And when mom and dad would then be home for an overnight and not be at the hospital. What they did is because they were exhausted, they just gave in to the nine year old and let her sleep into bed with them. And everybody then slept and I'm not saying that that will is a poor or a wise decision to make and the time I think that sometimes we find ourselves in survival mode.
Linsey Hammon 15:07
What I would say when I looked at this family as then when it was months, it was actually close to a year before they were able to get her back out of there bed, and this had been a girl who had been a very successful sleeper, you know, on her own for years prior to this. And the parents, you know, in the moment, we sometimes don't see the road that we're on. And you know, the value, I guess, in maintaining the consistency of the routine, but also having appropriate boundaries for your kids, because there's safety in the boundaries, there's, there's when we set a limit for our kiddo, it helps them trust our decision making. And even if they talk back, or they tell us no, or they throw a fit, or whatever, what they're trying to do is to see who's really in control here, and I pushed hard enough to really get my way or can I trust you to trust yourself with the decision that you're making. And so I think that that important point about that routine, no matter what your life circumstances might be, that are that are causing a shift, and what's normal, normal, and air quotes for those of you listening to me today, you know, but whatever, whatever is sort of that standard process for your family, I think stick to that as much as you possibly can. And then if it is a time where you're going to be pulling your kiddo into bed with you, because they need some extra cuddles and comfort or you need some extra cuddles and comfort from them, you know, then I think that we also can set forward an expectation about preparing them for, we're not going to do this forever, you know, you're gonna you're gonna get to do this for three more sleeps, and then we're going back to bed or two more sleeps, and then we're going back to your bed. And so that is a part of just preparing the kids for the change, because then it's a whole nother change when now they have to go back to their own bed, because they settled into a new routine. And you did it by accident. But for them, it's it's what now they want.
Jessica Bryant 17:01
Right? Right. And certainly there has to be grace for in that moment. And then that survival, and, and also that priority of rest and things like that in that story. But it's also I hear that so often, that parents don't know the side of the child in that in that decision making or that survival. We're just we'll just do this tonight, you know, or we'll just do this for a while until x, you know, happens, at least in my practice, I often see they feel like it's just a kind of a switch, like, okay, tonight, we're going back in our bed. Yeah. And whereas that child, there was some other emotions, which I'm sure even a child who's been, you know, sleeping with their parent at 9, 10. There's, there's emotions there too. But there is some grief and loss and other things with with that story. But that parent just kind of expects that the child can just move back into that pattern. And it's more of a behavioral issue, or, you know, just know, they don't want to, which is definitely know that they don't want to but there's some other expectations and trainings to make that transition that can help both the parents stay consistent, and help the child understand what's expected. And I talk a lot about that, just I'm sure as you do in your work of just the child perspective, what does the child need to feel trust? Like you mentioned, know what's expected, know when they're going to see you again? And what does your body feel like, all of a sudden, they've been sleeping with two people in this room that might have, you know, a fan and you know, noise and all these things. And then now I'm in this dark, quiet room where nobody, you know, it's century
Linsey Hammon 18:52
alone with my own thoughts and feelings. You know,
Jessica Bryant 18:57
so that's really good. Just
Linsey Hammon 18:58
like, when you were when you first started talking about that, that, that a parent might say, okay, tonight, you're going back into your bed. And that might be the way that that information gets presented, right to a kiddo. But what I think is important is for us as parents to kind of hit our own internal pause button for a second, and think about the way that that sounds, to that kid, that can sound a lot like a rejection in a way. The other piece is that you as the parent, before you ever say to night, you're going back to your bed, you've already been thinking about that. Like, I gotta admit, I back in their own bed. You know, this has been a lot and it's so great. But the kiddo has not thought anything about that. As far as the kids concerned, this is moving right along and everything is fine. And I'm gonna finish that and so yeah, so what you've done is you have talked yourself into it and helped prepare yourself for this, but you're what were blindsiding kids in that moment, you know, and then we expect them to go. Okay, good idea. I'll just go back to my bed. Add, like I used to before. And I think our expectation might be a little off for that situation, especially the youngest ones.
Jessica Bryant 20:07
Yes, I love that you kind of took a step back and compare the two, the processing of both people that were involved, the child and the parent. And I do that even now with teenagers, I've been thinking about it or planning, whatever, you know. So I think that's a really good point. And we'll pause there to take a mid episode break. And when we come back, we'll finish our conversation with Lindsay about what she wished she knew before she became a mother.
Jessica Bryant 20:07
Are you wondering if your child is sleeping enough? Are you looking for a resource to use to find out what is normal? What is the normal amount of sleep for a child ages four months to six years? At Sleep Happy, we believe you and your children deserve good sleep without the frustration of trying to figure out if your child is on track, and if they're getting the sleep their body needs. So we've created the Sleep Milestones Guide as a resource to answer that very question. We want you to know what typical sleep looks like, for a child four months to six years. We want you to know when children drop naps and how schedules change as your child grows and develops their processes easy. First, download the Sleep Milestones Guide by visiting the link in the show notes, or visiting www.sleephappyconsulting.com/free. Second, take five minutes to review the guide to confidently know where your child falls with their sleep milestones. Third, feel comforted that you know where your child stands with their sleep. And you have a resource, a place to reach out if you need help solving your child's sleepless nights. Now back to the show.
Jessica Bryant 22:16
And we're back Lindsay and let's continue that conversation where you had said, thinking in terms of the thought process of of the adult of the parent, leading the parent who is whose job is to make sure that their child is sleeping well and healthy and learning about emotions and all of those different things, versus the child who is conditioned to oh, this is how it looks each night when we go to bed. You know, this is the pattern, we go to mom and dad's room and yeah, but bath and then we get in bed and then dad comes later or whatever that pattern is. And then I wake up in the morning, and I'm in that same room. And this is how this is the pattern for wakeup and children. Children really thrive on those patterns. And there is a way to change the pattern. Whenever you decide that a pattern is not working, you can definitely as the parent make decisions to change, but I think you bringing forward the work we learned to do as parents to prepare our children and the value of setting expectations really helps transitions or changes, or things. I never know the right way to go a little bit smoother, and be a little bit more connected. Because I think parents think, oh, tonight we're going back in your room and they've drawn the line. And then there's some thoughts and some challenges when the child gets this message. And then the parents like well, whoa, what do I do now at 930 at night or 1030 at night or whenever this is happening, it's not like they can call and get an appointment with you to talk through things. So I think that's a really a really good point.
Linsey Hammon 24:07
And I'm a big fan of the parent is the parent, my kids are not the parents here. And so there it is possible to raise children in a home where we respect their autonomy as an individual with their own individual thoughts, feelings, desires, I think it's important that we respect each other in our home, you know, I want to certainly feel respected by the people who I live with. And I would those people want to feel respected by me whether they're big people or little people, it really doesn't matter. So but at the same time, the parent is the parent, the child is not. And so we I think that providing that preparation, while also setting some limits for kids is a really handy way to move forward with this. You know, like tomorrow night is going to be the last night that you sleep in mom and dad's bed How would you like to spend the night? Knowing that tomorrow might be the last? Or? Or what can we do tomorrow? To really have a fun day today or tomorrow knowing that that's going to be the last night that you stay with us, you know, in our room? And then what do you want in your room? Right? Like how like to help that be successful? Is there something from my bed that you want to take with you? Yeah, you know, to your room, and I'm not the sleep expert, you are, what I'm talking about is like, helping kids make that prepare for that it's that mental shift that they need to get them on board with it? Or else they're going to, you know, battle us all the way through it, because it can't just be about I made a decision. And that's the end of it. We're bringing them along with us on that.
Jessica Bryant 25:44
Yes. And I do think parents get very stuck in I had a dad yesterday, tell me the bedtime routine is basically run by the five year old. And I don't know how to get off the train that I the track that I got myself on. And, you know, just like you said, you're bringing them a part of the team, you're but you're you're lifting that off their shoulders, you know, yeah, as the parent, you're the guide, the boundary is set children, that was really eye opening for me, when I was a new mom was children are seeking their boundaries, they're problem solving to find that edge to know you're there. And to know you're going to provide that comforting that trust that you're gonna catch them at that point.
Jessica Bryant 26:32
But when I work with preschoolers and older children on on moving from Dad, Mom and Dad's room to independent sleeping, we revisit who's in charge, you know, we taught we wrap it around, you know, my bedtime sleep job solution, and it's a conversation. And sometimes parents gasp because they think my the conversation is a little strange. They haven't heard it before. But it's, it's my, it's my mommy and daddy's job to make sure you sleep healthy, reminding you the job stating the problem right now we're not sleeping healthy. And obviously, you can tweak this to, you know, the nine year old doesn't maybe fit into this, but it's the same formula. You know, what is your job at that time, you know, communicating that confidence that they are not helpless at bedtime, that you do respect them, they all are autonomous, and they are in charge of their body. And well, I sleep in mom and dad's bed and we go to bed at 930 might be their response, you know, but that's good information. You know, okay, you think your job is this, you know, and then you can go ahead and doing those things, making them a part of the team, setting the expectations, reading the sensory environment, is there anything from the master bedroom that they need in their room that is similar, maybe a t shirt, or maybe a pillow? You know, that smells like you or dad, sometimes we room in, in, you know, depending on the age of especially with younger children to reintroduce the space as a sleep space. And then we move out.
Jessica Bryant 28:08
So there's all sorts of things that you as the parent can still be in charge and leading and setting those boundaries that bring so much comfort to your child. And don't be afraid of the word no, no. closes the loop for a child. And when you say no, calmly, can I have colder water? No, colder water doesn't help you sleep healthy because you're two and you've been wetting the bed for three nights. Or can I have five more books? No, five more books do not help asleep or sleeping in the bed with mom and dad when you're moving out of it. Why want to sleep in your bed? No, that doesn't help our whole family sleep healthy.
Linsey Hammon 28:50
Or? Yeah, yeah. No, it's similar. In fact, a phrase I always like is stating that something isn't a choice. Sleeping in mom and dad's bed isn't a choice. But you can choose which stuffy you have in bed with you tonight, you know, no sleeping over here isn't a choice. But you can choose this other thing. And it needs to be a choice. That's real, right? You know, it's not like but you can choose how many books we read before bedtime? No, that is not a real choice. What's gonna happen is they're gonna pull out 10 books, and you're gonna be like, we're only going to read two. Well, but you told me that I could choose how many books we read. And I chose 10 Then they don't trust. Right? That's right now they don't trust you because you lied to them. Because they see that as you see that as a lie. So it's the same sort of thing. But setting the limits. There's so much safety in that, you know, what if I feel safer swimming in a swimming pool than I do swimming in the ocean? Oh, yeah. Right. And because there's boundaries to that. I know how deep it is. Right? There's a bottom to it that I can see. I can see the sides all around me. And those boundaries create safety for me inside that space, but you put me in the ocean and I really don't want to go out far where my feet can touch. Because I need this boundary beneath me to help me to know where I am, right to help me be able to stay safe. I don't want to be floating in the middle of the ocean where I can't see land. I need those boundaries, those boundaries, help us be safe. Yeah, kids need them. But parents are responsible for setting them.
Jessica Bryant 30:19
We need those boundaries to make ourselves feel safe. We get safety from the patterns that we see repeat. And we get safety from those fences and those boundaries that we bump up against as a child, and we problem solve those, but they stay the same. Yes, very good. So good. Thank you so much for joining us today. Linsey. Before we finish, I wanted to ask one question, what is your favorite bedtime recommendation for children that might be moving from their parents bed to their own bed, or experiencing change at bedtime.
Linsey Hammon 30:58
So I love books, I think books are a fantastic way for us to help our kids learn. And I think that books teach us to even children's books, they take complex situations and simplify them in a way that gives us as parents language a lot of times to help our kids and probably one of my very favorite books at bedtime is a book called The Invisible String. I use this book a lot in grief work as well. But in this story, there's actually these two twins who are asleep in the middle of the night and a storm blows through and the thunder wakes them up and they come down to their mom's seeking safety. And mom introduces them to the concept of the invisible string, which essentially means that we stay connected to people even when we can't see them, even when we're not close to them, even when we can't reach out and touch them. Even if they die. We stay connected to people who are important to us that invisible string connects our hearts together. And you could actually turn this into a fun family activity where you could create sort of a something as a little invisible string reminder, maybe a little part on a string that you know attaches to the to the kiddos bed. And then Mom and Dad have one on their bed too as a little visual reminder of ways that that kids are still connected to their parents, even if they're not close by. So the invisible string is written by Patrice Karst. It's a fantastic, fantastic book.
Jessica Bryant 32:21
And we will put the link to that book in shownotes. If you're interested, and Linsey, where can listeners find you?
Linsey Hammon 32:30
so they can find me at LighthouseCounselCenter.com. That's the name of my practice. I'm also on social media at Lighthouse Council Center on both Instagram and Facebook and actually share a book recommendation every Friday on social media to just introduce books to parents in a way that we maybe never really thought that we could use them.
Jessica Bryant 32:52
Awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. We are so grateful for you.
Linsey Hammon 32:57
Thank you for having me, Jessica.
Jessica Bryant 32:59
I really enjoyed having this conversation with Linsey. Because she can wrap so many tidbits around that central conversation of an experience that she had at 2am in the middle of the night, when her two year old came to her and said why did she do that, you know, with her fist all tight and, and just sharing from her little perspective, that surprise and the discomfort that the sound had on the ears and, and how uncomfortable it felt in the middle of the night to be hearing that sound from her new baby sister.
Jessica Bryant 33:39
And so, diving into today's takeaways, is Linsey's explanation, and the way the word she uses to kind of bring us back to why there's a value in preparing children for things that are coming up. Yes, absolutely, there will be unexpected things. But when there are life events, like adding a new baby, traveling a sibling moving away, or getting sick, you know, really anything you can think of that's a change in their environment. Maybe they're getting a new teacher at preschool, which maybe you don't have a ton of information about. But you can talk it through and set the expectation of there might be something different about that day, because when we've already put it in their heads, then it isn't sudden, and it is it feels a little bit more in control and a little closer to normal because you've already had that preparedness time. And you know, I always kind of give a script for to my clients when we're working together for older siblings because that's always a fear is we're adding a new baby to the family. And I'm worried that the crying is going to wake my older child up at night, or that I'm not going to have as much time for them or I'm going to be away at bedtime for a couple of nights, you know, at the hospital having the baby. So I always try to kind of set give a script to the parent to kind of set that child's expectations. And so I love that today, you got to hear how Linsey describes preparing children and is giving some additional scripts in that as well.
Jessica Bryant 35:35
So my tips for families are to set that child up for what that sound is going to be like that babies communicate by crying. And also new babies don't sleep through the night. So you're going to hear them wake up and communicate that need to have a feeding or have a diaper change. And that is the baby's way of communicating that to the older child, your job is to rest your body all night long. And it's mommy or daddy's or nannies or Auntie's job to take care of the newborn. So if you hear them, your job is to roll over and close your ears and work on going back to sleep. Because it will all be okay. And mommy and daddy will help the new baby. I also liked that Linsey pinpoints something a little different. In that explanation that I was leaving out, where she ties an emotion to it, she, you know, saying that you might feel frustrated in the middle of the night when you hear the baby communicating. And so I like that we're doing that emotional training along with this from the very beginning.
Jessica Bryant 36:51
And Lindsey says, in our conversation, I've wished I'd done a better job of preparing my own kids for these really normal experiences, because it reduces stress, and helps them feel more comfortable. So for our action item today, what can I do to prepare my toddler baby preschooler for an upcoming change? Start talking about it, break it down in small conversations, to have your child take part in the preparation. What is your event? Are you traveling? You know? Or are you adding a new baby to the family and you're setting up the space where the baby will sleep? And again, tie in that emotion? How do you feel when the baby communicates? How do you feel when you're in the car traveling for a longer period of time? Do you feel fidgety? Do you feel like you want to get out and run and play.
Jessica Bryant 37:51
Another thing I like to introduce to children is role play, when you're feeling like you don't are kind of out of ideas or you're not sure your child's going to understand, you can sit down with a baby doll and act it out and take turns because it has always been amazing to me what children communicate to you through play. So that is a really great way to feel connected, and help set the stage. Another thing is assigning your child a job as part as of preparing them. Maybe for a new baby, your three year olds job is could be to fill the diapers, you know, to put more diapers on the changing table when you're about to run out. Or to bring you a blanket when the baby um, needs to be covered up or something like that, because that makes them feel a part of the process.
Jessica Bryant 38:52
Another thing that Lindsay kind of talks about is that survival, you know, making choices in the moment to survive or get through. And if you have that 30 seconds where you can think using the example that Linsey shares. Okay, you know, we've got a lot going on in our family right now with wellness and sickness. And so the nine year old, that it's just fine for us to sleep in the bed. Let me do a mental check. Is it going to be fine for this scenario to be happy three months? Yes. Or is it? No, that's not going to be fine. It's not going to be fine in a week, right? Because I won't even be at home. And so at that point before you do the activity, maybe sleeping together for the extra comfort, the extra reassurance, the closeness, you might say in three more sleeps, you're gonna sleep back in your bed, because it's a whole different process if it's a few days off the pattern, versus it's 12 months off, you know, 365 days of sleeping with Mom and Dad, and in that room because that's what that nine year old thinks, is their sensory environment and how their body feels when they go to sleep in there is completely different than when they're in their room independently, in the dark in the middle of the night.
Jessica Bryant 40:20
And last, but not least, my last takeaway from today's episode is, are we surprising or blindsiding our children without meaning to. And when Linsey said, think about how long you've been thinking about this, you know, whether it was moving your child back into their room, or traveling or having a baby, think about how long you've been thinking about that activity, or that plan, versus how long the child especially with their attention span, has had knowledge of it, or has been thinking about it. And I thought that was really, really great mind shift, to just help our children help our toddlers with their emotions, and processing them and getting them out. And making those big, massive life changes a little less sudden, a little less out of control, to then therefore kind of reduce that stress, or reduce kind of their possible tantrums or outbursts. So making a mental note of how long you have been thinking about the event, versus how long your child has had knowledge of the event, I think is really helpful when we're helping children with their emotions, and equipping them with coping skills, and calming skills, and all of those things to get through life, which is really difficult.
Jessica Bryant 42:05
So circling back to wrap this up, here are a few thoughts. Remind yourself that your child is looking for you to set the boundaries to make them feel safe, and not stressed. Download the free Sleep Milestones to check to see how sleep is affecting your child's resilience with whatever is going through, especially if it's travel season. And you want to make sure that your child is fully rested, so they are resilient. With the things that get thrown at you and you're traveling. That would be a great way to check is to download the free Milestones Guide and check in on if your child has met their most recent sleep milestone. And lastly, read The Invisible String. The link to that book will be in the show notes. And you could even do an activity with your child, as Linsey suggested, for a visual reminder of your child to boost their confidence at bedtime with that little invisible string with maybe a little string and little heart attached to it that is near their bed. And remembering that quick win that one thing you could take is if you're looking for a script at bedtime if your child has requests, and you're not sure because you're at the end of your own rope at the end of the day, I loved what Linsay said. "Blank is not a choice." Another book is not a choice. hotter water is not a choice. You can take your stuffy or your pillow to bed. And I'll see you in the morning. So blank is not a choice is an easy thing to put in your back pocket for the next time you need it.
Jessica Bryant 43:53
Thanks again for joining the show. And if you're enjoying this season have good mornings, will us help support our efforts and continuing to bring more quality free content by leaving us a review on your favorite platform. The process is simple. It's so quick, it takes less than 30 seconds on Apple podcasts, you would just go to the show where it lists all of the episodes and keep scrolling until you see the stars and then the words write a review. And if you click on that, it will open up a box that has the stars. And then you can type some feedback about what you liked from the episode or what you hope to hear next. If you're on Spotify, and you open it up, you'll see the cover logo for good mornings a little description and then there's a star and the word parent. If you click on that star, it will open up and you can choose a five star review. At that point in that level and all of your favorite platforms should have a section for review your review It goes so far and helping others find us and speaking to those internet box so that we can get the word out that every parent deserves to feel like a good parent. Thank you so much for listening and supporting our show. And thanks for choosing to have a good morning.
Jessica Bryant 45:22
I loved hanging out with you today, and I'm so grateful you were here. I hope you left feeling comforted by the messages you heard. I hope they helped you quiet the societal pressures that are in your mind, and focus on what really matters to you, and your parenting journey. I also hope you've heard messages that made you feel like the good parents you already are. If you enjoy the show, and you would like more information about me, and Sleep Happy Consulting. The process is simple. First, visit my website at www.sleephappyconsulting.com or click the link in today's show notes. Second, sign up for our weekly Sleep Happy email. And third, stay connected with Sleep Happy and the Good Mornings Podcast. Thank you for listening and being a part of this space where we value arrest and solving sleepless nights so that it's easy for you to choose to have good mornings. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is the Good Mornings Podcast.
Jessica Bryant has been called the best speaker on baby sleep, transitioning to parenting, and balancing work and family. She is a woman who loves speaking to corporate audiences, postpartum support groups, and church communities about how to parent the way you dreamed of. She is a sleep strategist and host of the Good Mornings Podcast.
UPDATE: On June 21, 2023 (after the recording of this episode) Linsey changed the name of her center from Lighthouse Counsel Center to Lighthouse of Hope because she felt it better represented her unwavering commitment to helping children navigate life’s challenges with strength.
The Good Mornings Podcast is the best parenting podcast for moms and dads. The transcript for this episode is created by Otter.AI, so please excuse any typos, misspellings and grammar mistakes.
