21: Big Feelings at Bedtime with Linsey Hammon
In This Episode:
Linsey Hammon, Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor and Jessica talk about how to help your child with big feelings at bedtime and how to help children build good coping skills.
The Big Idea
Bedtime emotions can often be tricky because both parents and children are tired. This episode offers parents tips, scripts, and takeaways to try with their children when big emotions come up at bedtime.
Questions I Answer
How to set limits with emotions in mind?
Why is my toddler so upset at bedtime?
How much preparation should I include for my child so that they can prepare their own heart for change?
What conversations can I have with my child while they are having big feelings?
What can I do to help my child wind down at bedtime?
How can I help my child feel validated but also keep bedtime on track?
Actions to Take
Test out the Tension Strategy for yourself and shoot me an email to let us know if it works for you.
Book support to take sleep off your to-do list
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Key Moments In The Show
4:31 - How emotions can be triggered by sudden changes
8:08 - Example: No book tonight conversation
11:22 - Fear is a big feeling for kids heading into bedtime
12:45 - Asking your kid - Do you want support and encouragement or problem solving?
14:05 - Accounting for a child’s observation skills with reactions
17:20 - Physical feelings in little bodies
19:49 - Activities to get those energies/feelings out
22:22 - Monsters in the room > Monster Spray
28:04 - Replacing thoughts at bedtime
33:00 - Naming the Feeling
36:00 - Takeaways from the Episode
About Today’s Guest
Linsey is a Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor and she is passionate about helping kids thrive during stressful life events. She is the owner of Lighthouse Counsel Center, located in Dallas-Fort Worth, where kids and teens can find hope, healing, and joy during times of illness, injury, and grief. Linsey and Tom have been married for twenty-three years, are the parents of two incredible daughters, and recently welcomed a son-in-law to the mix.
UPDATE: On June 21, 2023 (after the recording of this episode) Linsey changed the name of her center to Lighthouse of Hope because she felt it better represented her unwavering commitment to helping children navigate life’s challenges with strength. How AMAZING is that???! I have updated the information below to reflect this update.
Find her online:
Website: www.lighthousecounselcenter.com www.lighthouseofhopetx.com
FB: @lighthouseofhopetx (formally @lighthousecounselcenter as mentioned in episode)
Resources + Links
FREE Gift::: Episode 21 Takeaways from Episode 21 –Grab the free resource here. The download includes notes, strategies, and scripts that go along with this episode.
Check out Episode 20, also with Linsey if you missed it
In My Heart - Shared on Linsey’s Book Love Friday on Instagram and on FB
The Invisible String - Shared on Linsey’s Book Love Friday on Instagram and on FB
Previous Podcast Episodes with Guest Sally Conway - Episode 17 (not Ep. 16 that I mentioned by mistake in the episode)
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Jessica Bryant 0:03
In the midst of conflicting messages and societal pressures, my goal is to offer a unique perspective to you. Rather than glorifying busyness and devaluing rest, you should question whether society's priorities are skewed. What if you placed a higher emphasis on sleep within your family? Could it have the power to change your world? Of course, I'm not suggesting that you abandon yourself in all other aspects of your life in favor of mapping and bedtime routines, nor should you sacrifice relationships, travel or fun to ensure your child is always rested. However, I'm suggesting that resolving sleep issues can instill greater confidence and freedom and your family and allow you to better appreciate life's joys. All thanks to waking up, well rested each morning. I am Jessica Bryant, an internationally recognized pediatric sleep strategist, motivational speaker, wife and mother of three, including twins. Like you, I understand the pressures parents feel today, and as an expert on sleep, I'm here to help you choose good mornings.
Jessica Bryant 1:28
Hello, friends and welcome to Good Mornings. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode 21. Big Feelings at Bedtime with Linsey Hammon. Welcome back to the show everyone. We had such a great time on the last episode with Linsey Hammon, child life specialist and grief counselor that we wanted to dive in again, and talk about big feelings at bedtime. And I have to tell you, I took so many notes on this. And I hope that if you are a parent who is emotionally exhausted, and the toddler preschooler, even school age stage, Linsey is going to really share some great insight and some things to store in your back pocket that are really going to help you with bedtime, feel confident about it, and then also aid your child and processing those emotions when they come up. And all while maintaining good sleep routines. So that in the morning, everyone is well rested. So I hope you enjoy the show. Let's get started.
Jessica Bryant 2:47
Today on good mornings, we have Linsey Hammon back to answer your questions about children, and how emotions affect bedtime. Through my work with children and bedtime solutions. A lot of the times one of the worries that are often on parent's mind is what if my child is experiencing, you know, a big feeling at bedtime, and I'm ignoring it or I'm not addressing it. So I'm excited to dive in today with Linsey and get her genius on how emotions affect children at bedtime, and some tips and takeaways from that when you're dealing with big emotions in your own families. So let's get started today. Welcome, Linsey. Thanks for being back on the GOOD MORNINGS show.
Linsey Hammon 3:40
Hi, Jessica. Thanks for having me.
Jessica Bryant 3:42
Okay, we'll dive right in to our question. How do emotions affect bedtime for young children?
Linsey Hammon 3:50
I think that a more honest question is how don't emotions affect bedtime for young children? Isn't it funny as a parent how sometimes you're like you haven't had a big feeling all day? Now you do. Right as I'm ready to unplug from you.
Jessica Bryant 4:10
Right as mom has no more energy to calmly approach emotions, or at least my talking about myself, right?
Linsey Hammon 4:18
Well you, here's the thing, you've maxed out your capacity to cope with things as the day is going on. And now your child needs you to pull from your reserves, which may or may not even have any fuel in the tank. You know, we've talked a little bit about the importance of preparing kids for things, you know, and setting limits and helping them be sort of ready for a change that might be coming and and I think that if we're going to be looking also at emotions at bedtime, then maybe we need to sort of qualify for just a minute why that preparation is so important. Like, why does my kid need to know they just need to do this because I'm the parent and I say so. Right? At least that's how it was growing up in my home as a kid, but
Linsey Hammon 5:05
the thing is that research shows us that when something occurs, and this is on a spectrum, but everybody's spectrum looks a little bit different, but when something occurs, that is unexpected. So sort of set in, if you will, and its nature, and it's outside of our control, so something that we don't have the ability to stop or change or influence outside of our control. Those are the two ingredients that make some an experience traumatic. And that could be anything because, you know, you and I could both find ourselves in a very similar situation. And you could come away from that feeling like, Oh, that was a big deal. But I've moved on with my life now. And I could come away from that really experiencing a stress response can be a traumatic stress response from that. And we don't get to decide for each other. What makes something traumatic for the other person. But it's that sadness, and that lack of controllability that cause something to feel traumatic, which is why I think often when we give a very quick instruction to a young child, whether that's a correction, like a no, don't do that, or a sit here not they're sort of directive, we see these really big responses from them. Maybe people look at that as a temper tantrum, right. Like, Why are you throwing a fit.
Linsey Hammon 6:28
And I'm just wondering, sometimes if it is that it's that lack of control ability, the child has no control in the situation, and it was sudden. So they were just trotting along through their day, just living their best life, and then all the sudden, in comes this person. A lot of times it's a parent, it's not always, but a lot of times it is and a limit is set sort of suddenly. And I know as parents, our job is to help keep our kids safe. Our job is not to traumatize our kids. But and I'm not saying that we are what I am saying is that perhaps we're not giving our kids enough preparation for a shift or a stop, so that they can prepare their own heart for what's about to happen. And so sometimes at bedtime, I think is when we see these big emotions and kids perhaps because we are tired, and our kids want one more book, one more glass of water one more trip to the bathroom. One more my socks don't fit, right one more, I don't want to wear socks at all, you know better than me, Jessica, all these things that kids are demanding at the end of the day. And they were sort of performing for an audience and hanaway. But
Linsey Hammon 7:35
But I think that sometimes we see these big emotions, because then as a parent, we're just like enough already, you know, getting your bed. No, you can't have that thing. And no, I'm not going to read a book to you today. And a lot of times it might be that you're exhausted. And so you sort of pull the plug on these things. And we see these big emotions come out in kids. And had they had a little preparation, maybe for what was going to happen. If it was a little bit less sudden, they had a little more control over the decision. And then maybe we wouldn't see these big emotions at all, or less. And then as as little kids and
Linsey Hammon 8:06
let me kind of set like give an example. Maybe you know that if we're going to tell a child No, no, we're not going to do an extra book tonight. And then that's enough for them to have a meltdown because everybody's tired. What if instead we worded it along the lines of today has been I hear I hear that you want another book today has been such a full day. You know, just like, gosh, I'm thinking right now of all the things we did today together, and how important those times were to me and how glad I am that we got to spend that time together. And now I my body is feeling tired. And I know that your body is feeling tired, too. You know, your brain might think that you want another book, right? But your body needs some extra rest or needs some rest tonight and so does mine, you know. And so if this is the book you want to read, then let's set this on the coffee table and we're going to read it first thing in the morning. Yeah, you know, I'll take it out there and set it out there right now. And we'll read it first thing in the morning as opposed to just know we're not doing another book get in bed and move on.
Linsey Hammon 9:07
So again, not the sleep strategist I just work with kids too in a different way. But I'm I think that sometimes it were we are accidentally by not being willing to have and I don't know how long that fake conversation was that I just had with my pretend toddler 60 seconds. But because we're not investing the 60 seconds to have a conversation to help them sort of understand and their you know, toddler way why we're making a decision. And it's not that the decision is going to change, you get to make the decision as the parent, but I'm just talking about respecting them as an individual and providing that preparation for Now's not the time but here's what you can expect, you know, and and sort of helping them know why that decision was made. Because those big feelings can really get in the way of a lot and what we as parents sometimes need to stop and do is take a deep breath model that for our own kids. Wow, I can tell that you're feeling a really big feeling right now. And for younger kids, you can name it, you know, sad or mad or upset or whatever you think the feeling might be in for older kids, you can ask them, you know, what's that big feeling that you have right now. And just give them permission to feel it. You know, I feel like that sometimes. And just settle in that I think sometimes as parents, we want to move kids through the feeling too fast. And so what they're trying to do is hang on to but I need some attention for this right now. And we're trying to move them past it. And if we would just stop and stay in it with them for half a minute, then they would release it and be able to move forward too.
Jessica Bryant 10:40
So good, so good. I know parents really enjoy having that script and having that example. Because at the end of the day, your mind goes blank. You're so tired, and you're in it. So it's like it's hard, especially with toddlers and preschoolers or younger to just like, step out a moment, take a deep breath, you know. So what are some other big feelings at bedtime? Maybe a script doesn't fit, I mean, a script fits for but there's some other other ways, some bigger feelings that really maybe stressed parents out like grief or loss. We've lost the dog, the dog died or something like that.
Linsey Hammon 11:22
Yeah, I think fear is a big feeling that kids have heading into bedtime, or at nighttime, that parents often don't know what to do it. Because some of the things that kids are feeling are unsolvable. And parents want to fix the hurt things for their kids
Jessica Bryant 11:39
Unsolvable, I just want to sit with that that designation right now, because I think that's really important. Some things, most things are unsolvable. And that sometimes you can approach the emotions to be open and be respectful and give grace to them. But then also at the same time, you have to draw the line that it's, we're closing this now, because your body is tired, mommy's body is tired. And it's now you know, 1005. And, you know, bedtime was at eight. Now, you know, we're not going to solve everything right now. But I have validated your feeling. And we will continue to revisit this. But I jumped in on your fear, and some of the things being unsolvable. So I'll let you finish kind of where you were going with that?
Linsey Hammon 12:36
Well, in true, you know, Jessica and Linsey, conversation fashion, made me think of something else. And I didn't learn this little handy trick until my kids were adolescents. And I wish I had known it when they were younger. Since we're outing me and all the things I wished I'd known as a new parent. But when my kids became teenagers, and they would I use the word love meant to me about something, right? I had to learn to ask the question, do you want support and encouragement? Or do you want problem solving? Because sometimes they just want to vent to me, but me as the parent and often as an adult, you can see the solution. Because hey, the problem they're having is really not that big of a problem. You know, I have adult problems I can show you, if you want to come and take a look at those right. And I wished I had known to do that even younger, when my kids were were much, much smaller, you know, at bedtime, stop and say, you know, do you want me to listen to you for one minute? Or do you want a hug and a good night kiss? Like those are kind of your choices? And I mean, because you to say to a three year old? Do you want support and encouragement? Or do you want at 930 at night or whatever isn't a realistic option to give them but to just what you're doing is you're again, showing them that respect, you know, they're respecting them as their own autonomous person. And I think oftentimes kids know what they need. We just forget to ask them the question.
Jessica Bryant 14:04
Yes, in my practice, one of the things that I will do with fear because there are several children pick up on words, that they don't necessarily know what the meaning are, but they see their parents reaction, and they're so smart and observation skills are so high that it's like if I say that "monster is in my bedroom", they are here in a nanosecond. You know, if I say "poop", they are here, you know, if I say "the tiger is so big", you know, they're here. And you know, as a parent, we want to be responsive in those things. But I really want the parent to kind of go through some checks to make sure is it a word we're testing, and we want you you know, we're playing almost like a cause and effect, or it's delaying bedtime. This is taking hours of a situation versus it is a true fear. We're going Take a mid episode break. And when we come back, Lindsay is going to tell us more about the monster spray and how she created that for her family, and how it was a great solution for her preschooler when she was dealing with imagination and fears and some of those things at bedtime.
Jessica Bryant 15:24
Are you wondering if your child is sleeping enough? Are you looking for a resource to use to find out what is normal? What is the normal amount of sleep for a child ages four months to six years? At Sleep Happy, we believe you and your children deserve good sleep without the frustration of trying to figure out if your child is on track, and if they're getting the sleep their body needs. So we've created the Sleep Milestones Guide as a resource to answer that very question. We want you to know what typical sleep looks like for a child four months to six years. We want you to know when children drop naps and how schedules change as your child grows and develops their processes easy. First, download the Sleep Milestones Guide by visiting the link in the show notes or visiting www.sleephappyconsulting.com/free. Second, take five minutes to review the guide to confidently know where your child falls with their sleep milestones. Third, feel comforted that you know where your child stands with their sleep. And you have a resource, a place to reach out if you need help solving your child's sleepless nights. Now back to the show.
Jessica Bryant 16:55
Okay, we're back. And so is there anything else with just the fear of I'm scared of the dark? Is there a physical reaction that children have when there is that true fear when they're approaching bedtime, that you can go with some body language that goes along with the word or any tips there you can give parents when picking up on those things.
Linsey Hammon 17:20
So fear is an interesting one. Because we feel all emotions, there's a physical component to all of our emotions that we have. And we feel certain emotions physically. I think stress is an easy one we can talk about as adults we know I mean, if I asked you were in your body, do you feel stressed, you could tell me we can talk about where we might feel joy, or you know, those different sorts of feelings. And so the same is true with kids. And kids feel feelings in their body too. You know, and so I often will ask a kiddo, you know, so where are you? So what is the feeling? Like? Let's have them name the actual emotion first, right? And then where in your body? Do you feel that right now. And they might tell you, you know, in my tummy or in my feet or in my you know, shoulders or you know, whatever. And so that's kind of a good target spot for you, then you as a parent, you know, maybe then they need that, you know, a little you know, I'm gonna do I'm gonna rub your feet for 15 seconds, like, let's just rub let's count to 10 You know, slowly and I'll and I'm gonna rub the fear out of your feet. And are you tell me what makes you feel afraid? You know, and you're building that connection. Also, to help them a be able to name what they're feeling. And also to talk to you about it. Isn't that what we want, you know, your parenting in this stage right now that you're actually creating this, you're setting the stage for where they're headed next, what kind of relationship you're going to have with your preschooler is actually really dependent on how you parent them as a toddler. And the same is true all the way through the sort of relationship you want to have with your teenager, you're setting the stage for that when they're a school ager. And so we need to be really intentional in the way that we do that.
Linsey Hammon 19:02
But helping them identify where in the body they feel it one of my favorite coping strategies are to destress and, and fear is a real thing because and we feel it a lot in our muscles because our brain sends the message to our body that we need to be prepared to either fight or run. And so it sends a lot of energy into our muscles when we feel afraid. And so if a kiddo is vibrating in their body, and we've just told them lay down and go to sleep, really hard to do that, because they're having it's a hormonal response, you know, their bodies dumping stress, or their brain is dumping that stress hormones into those muscles because the fear is real. Even though we know there's no tiger in the closet and there's no monsters under the bed. They really believe that that's possible. And now they're having a physical reaction to that emotion.
Linsey Hammon 19:49
And so some of my favorites to get those energies out. One of my favorite ones is to tense our muscles and then relax our muscles. And so we start actually With our toes. So we want kids to curl their toes as tight as they can. And then you like, tighten your feet as much as you can, and you move kind of all the way up through all those large energy out. So they're tensing all their muscles. And little kids can do this, you know, and they move up into their torso, and then to their arms and down to their fingers, and they tense their shoulders and their neck and they grimace their face, I want you to tense all the muscles in your head, you know, and their whole body is tense, and we hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, and release it. And we release it out with a big breath. And you've just now used all that energy that was storing up in your muscles, and we've released it out. And if you've never done an exercise like that, as an adult, do, just find some time to lay on your floor tonight and do it or do it tonight for yourself as you're climbing into your own bed, it will surprise you how much you're actually carrying around in your muscles that you can just really release and relax, right there at bedtime, that will be a simple strategy to teach a kid out. And the other important piece is they don't need you to be present in order to do it,
Jessica Bryant 21:07
giving them the coping skills.
Linsey Hammon 21:09
That's right. And now they can exercise that anytime they want to throughout their lifetime, to be able to help release some of those emotions that are storing up in their muscles.
Jessica Bryant 21:22
Oh, that is just we don't need anything. We have everything we need, they can do it independently, you're modeling them. What I love also, as you're asking them where they feel it in their body, because I think we lose that or some of us adults in terms of me deny where you feel that in your body. And that's not any of the tools and strategies that I've given in the past. So I love learning the new things. Usually, we would talk about fear and drawing it sharing a story. Even if it's a two year old scribbling with the paper, you can still say a parent's book like but it doesn't look like anything. And I'm like you can still say, tell me about what you've drawn. You know, and then you're getting that child to get their thoughts out on paper. But has Isabelle and Grace told you any of the recurring dreams or anything that they had growing up?
Linsey Hammon 22:19
If they have recurring dreams? They didn't tell me about it. Well, Isabel was afraid of monsters in her room, that when we turn the lights off, she there were monsters that were there. And she was convinced of it. And she's my daughter who's 20. And so she must have been about three. And this is also very developmentally appropriate. Yeah, by the way,
Jessica Bryant 22:39
The imagination, the brain develops, everything is on fire, and they don't have the language to match.
Linsey Hammon 22:46
Yes. And they still believe in magical thinking, coupled also with this fantasy, this imagination piece and so they're not just trying to like get five more minutes with you. They really think that these things are in their room, and that they come out at night. Like it's not they're not trying to just pull a fast one and stay up late. So with Isabel what I did with her and I don't know how I knew to do this because Pinterest hadn't been invented yet. So it's like how did we know to throw birthday parties the right way or really do anything prior to Pinterest but what I did with Isabel is we created monster spray. Yeah, so I'm sure that you know your listeners are familiar with that or you know if not what it's a little simple. It's that works the same way that bug spray works. This is what I told my three year old monster spray works just like bug spray. So you know when we're outside and you don't want the mosquitoes to come near you we spray bug spray and that keeps the bugs away. Well monster spray works just like that. So we took a little spray bottle I went down to Central Market and I bought some essential oils that said they were good for helping kids sleep and good for relaxation. So I bought that and you're like yeah, I don't even know what was in it. It smelled good. And so I brought that home and I said I picked up the ingredients today for the monster spray and so I let her make that and we made a label that she colored in and we put it on the outside of the of the spray bottle. And so I told her you just need to spray everything with your monster spray so wherever you feel like the monsters might be that's what I want you to spray so every night part of her bedtime routine was she would spray every single thing.
Linsey Hammon 24:32
So I went to Central Market and I bought the you know essential oil blend to help make the monster spray for Isabel brought home all the ingredients. We had a little spray bottle, she put water in that she added the essential oil blend into the monster spray decorated a little label for that and then part of her bedtime routine every night was to spray her room with the monster spray. So she sprayed her sheets and her pillow which of course then helped her sleep All right, her floor and in her closet and the curtains and she would just spritz it around and kept it on her bedside table and then climbed right into bed. Yes, that was one of the fears that she had. And that was really our solution for it. And then I don't think that she did this often. But if she woke up in the night, she could spray this room again, he's autonomous.
Jessica Bryant 25:21
Take care of it. Yes. Go right back to that. And I haven't suggested that lately. We haven't talked about that. But yes, what are those strategies, we call that safety spray, just because some of my little ones, you know, the more you use the word, the more upset that they would get. So then we kind of talked about we using the words, dreams or thoughts, you know, once we validated the fear, you know, moving forward, so we weren't kind of stirring and like, you know, bringing more ahead to it.
Linsey Hammon 25:52
But I think Isabel refilled her monster spray bottle one time, and it was a little spray bottle, I mean, we're not talking a giant 32 ounce bottle, you know, this was like a six ounce bottle or whatever. I think she refilled it once, and then eventually just stopped using it. You know, but I'd give her the tools that she felt like she needed to help herself feel safe.
Jessica Bryant 26:14
Right. And she learned those at, she learned this particular coping skill for fear at age three, that's going to carry out in, you know, at age 10, or eight, when you've seen a movie, maybe at a friend's house that you keep replaying. Or, you know, you notice where it hits you in your body. And you can do as an eight year old, you can do the tense thing. I mean, as a child, I was doing the silly count the sheep backwards from 100. And that didn't work. But I feel like this is a much better solution, that gives you a way to get that energy out or gives that brain you know, as a three year old, when you're still in the magic and everything, well, the monsters not coming because I spray the spray and the spray works and the spray keeps me safe and all of that and then you've coped with it, you know, versus needing someone else to cope with it and not being able to have that trust in yourself and start to take on those things, those things for yourself.
Linsey Hammon 27:17
Yeah, I think that you touched on something too, with the power of the words that we're using around our kids and the power of the words that we're teaching them to speak over themselves as well. And we see this, of course, as kids get older, we see this into adulthood, you know, what, what are we focusing on right now. And it's easy to lay in a bed and think about all the things that are consuming you from the day, whether you're three or 30. You know, we all have characters that want to fill our mind as we settle in at the end of the day, because it's quiet, the distractions are relatively limited, if not gone completely. And you're really just left with your own thoughts. And this, we know this as adults, right, because we can't get our mind to shut off as we're going to sleep. But we, we tend to not really acknowledge that our kids are doing the same thing.
Linsey Hammon 28:04
And so I like to teach kids the strategy of replacing their thoughts. And one of the things that I help them learn to do is to think about the things that they're grateful for, or the things that they're glad for. And just to start making a list, sort of, but using it as a sentence, like, I'm glad that you know, I have a dog, or I'm grateful for my warm bed, you know, I'm grateful for this pillow, I'm glad my mom reads me books at night, you know, and whatever it is, and we're and this is hard for younger kids, the older they get, the easier it gets. But what I'm saying is if we if we try to teach a child that something just outside of what they're already able to do, it's just enough of a stretch, then what we're doing is we're helping them continue to progress in their development in that regard. And now you're teaching him it that from an emotional point of view.
Linsey Hammon 28:58
So now you've also taught them without teaching it to them, that their mind has a whole lot of control over what happens now. And if we can take our own thoughts, right and replace the fear that wants to come in with the things that bring us comfort. And we can think on those things instead, that's again, something they can do in the middle of the night. Wake up, that's better than counting sheep. And then you know what, you just keep doing that until you wake up in the morning. Because at some point, you're going to fall asleep while you're thinking of these things you're grateful for. And even if you have to repeat the same things over and over again, you know, maybe you're grateful that mom reads a book to you every night. And then I'm grateful that tonight she read The Invisible String. And I'm grateful to in the book, those kids had a mom who taught them about the string. You know, like it can be sort of the same thing that we can kind of think on and again, it's harder with younger kids, but it's our job as parents to teach them about all things. So why not teach them also about the strategies to
Jessica Bryant 30:00
Makes me think of a podcast guests earlier in this season, Sally Conway who has a mantra that we we do for our children until they can do for themselves, you know, and so those little drops that have skills that we do at a level that's on their developmental age, and we just keep stretching them that little bit, like you said, and, and quite recently, I've come to really understand the power of words, because I used to include in strategies, you know, when you're going in, maybe to respond to your child at night. And it isn't like a pain situation or a sick situation, it's a new routine situation. And I would, you know, walk in the room and say, You're okay, and then say, you know, it's still nighttime, it's time to work on sleep, you know, mommy will see you in the morning. Well, that it's okay. I don't like that word anymore. I don't intend to brush the child off. But we're basically saying, you're safe. Yeah, it's still nighttime, and you need to stay there. So I've started to kind of change some of the things to say, to try to build that mantra for the child to then use in the middle of the night of, I'm safe, you know, and all of those things, because I didn't realize how much the body and the mind how what a key that safety piece of it was, or how much power that word carried when it was when it was true.
Jessica Bryant 30:13
Linsey that that was a lot of really good nuggets in such a short amount of time. But the one that stands out to me the most is the tension and how that strategy you gave listeners to test out first on themselves at bedtime, and then to use with their children. And like you said, this could work with a toddler, this could work with a teenager. So I think that's really great. I'm definitely going to tell my kids about it. And then you also told us to start with the toes and move up the body. So I'll be interested to see if any of the listeners try that and how it felt that monster and safety spray bringing that back up. I think that was a big thing that I haven't heard people talk about lately, but I think in our mom's groups 17 years ago, that was and you gave us a script also, on how to kind of respect our children and kind of approach those big feelings. Calm yourself, you know, like coming and and asking them to, you may need to remind me, can you remind us that script one more time before we kind of wrap up because I really love scripts.
Linsey Hammon 32:43
So it's really funny because I just set it out of my head. And so for me, it really wasn't a script. Let me see if I can try to recreate it, right. But it's also, just naming the feeling, right. So we're helping, maybe that's the process, I should point through naming the feeling, you know, asking them more about that setting that limit, right, and then saying expectation for tomorrow. And I think the example I use was with a book, you know, if they want to read an extra book being like, I hear that, that you know, reading another book is important to you. And you know, what's important to you is important to me. We're not going to do that tonight, but I'll take this book with me and set it on the coffee table. And we can read that, you know, in the morning.
Jessica Bryant 33:28
Yes, yes. Okay. And so you were mentioning books, and I know you do Book Friday. And so can you share another favorite bedtime book that also deals with emotions with us?
Linsey Hammon 33:42
Yes. So my other favorite bedtime book is called In My Heart, a Book of Feelings. And this book is written by Joe Witek. I may not be pronouncing the last name properly, but it's W I T E. K. And I know that you'll provide a link for that, I think in the show notes too. But In My Heart really just goes through different sorts of feeling that kids experienced during the day and the character in the book talks about it's written in the first person so my heart is full of feelings is how the book begins. Big feelings and small feelings, loud feelings and quiet feelings, quick feelings and slow feelings. My heart is like a house with all these feelings living inside. And then each page identifies a different feeling. And what I one of the things I really like about it is I think that it's easy for us as parents to really focus on sad, mad and happy. And this book introduces some other names for something. So are you feeling brave? Or are you feeling scared? Or are you feeling oh, yeah, different sorts of words that it's really important as we're that we're giving our kids the language to say what it is that they're feeling if we're going to be asking them how they feel about something, right. And so this book is really simple. It's got some fun cut outs in it. So the younger kids really like that the older kids do, too. But it's called In My Heart a book of feelings. It's a great one for bedtime, especially if you give yourself a little bit of a buffer, where you can read this book, and then you can have a few extra minutes to talk about the feelings that they might have had during the day. You know that, that that's kind of a good way to build connection with you and your kids.
Linsey Hammon 33:51
Oh, I love that. I'm gonna have to buy that one for sure. Well, thank you so much for joining us again, Linsey. We love having you here. Can you remind us where listeners can find you?
Linsey Hammon 35:32
Yes, they can find me at LighthouseCounselCenter.com. That's the website for my business. We're also on Instagram and Facebook at @Lighthouse counsel center. And every Friday I share about a book I share Book Love Friday, as you mentioned.
Jessica Bryant 35:50
Yes. Okay. Great. Well, thank you so much for being here. So many nuggets to take away, it was a pleasure to have you join us again.
Linsey Hammon 35:58
Thank you, Jessica.
Jessica Bryant 36:01
Okay, I'm gonna jump right into my takeaways, because my list is kind of long. And so I don't want to miss anything. So one of the things that I love was the word unsolvable, which is, you know, of course, it's auto correcting me when I type it up. But just that reminder, to us, as parents, as we can't solve everything we're not supposed to, that's actually not helpful. So many things, many feelings at bedtime, are unsolvable. So there are times where families will tell me that they feel a great pressure to make sure their child is calm, and has gotten all their feelings out before they go to bed. But what they start to see happening is, you know, bedtime is lasting two hours. And so that is not our goal, with some of the things we're talking about tonight, with some of the things we're talking about today. So to just have that, reminders that some things are not solvable, or unsolvable, some things are unsolvable.
Jessica Bryant 37:06
And then Linsey gave some really great scripts. And I have had so many families that really liked those rubrics. And because at the end of the day, when you are spent, it's really hard to find those and make those scripts up in the moment. Sometimes you do it and you feel so great. And then there's some other times where you'd like, can I just flip through a manual, which I did write these scripts down for you, and there is going to be a way for you to access that. And so I will tell you that at the end of of the show, but I like how Linsey was talking about, you know, if your child's asking for one more book and all these things, and you can kind of address that feeling, maybe some underlying, I'm thinking right now of all the things we did today, and that we had that time together. And I'm really feeling that my body is tired. And I know that your body is feeling tired. And your brain may think that it needs another book, or a glass of colder water or a glass of hotter water. But what your body really needs is some rest. And so it's time to work on getting your body the rest it needs tonight, and Mommy is going to do the same thing. If this is the book you want to read, I'll take it with me. And I will put it on the coffee table so that we can read it first thing in the morning.
Jessica Bryant 38:39
And this is with anything. This is the you know the doll that they left out that they've decided they have to have at bedtime. But they already have two trucks, you know, or, you know, just acknowledging the feeling and the test and closing the loop. And you know, that's a different example. We got the heavy feelings that we need to address too. The other thing that Linsey says Is she ties emotions to that feeling. You know, I'm feeling frustrated, because the baby's crying, can you show me where you feel that frustration in your body? I thought that was great. Because quite frankly, I'm just learning as a 47 year old how emotions play out in the body and that mind body connection. So to have these skills, which I'm sure I had when I was four and five, but we weren't we didn't have that knowledge to know those connections. And so what a great coping skill to help children talk about where they feel where they feel that tension or discomfort. You know why that stomachache is happening at bedtime or why that stomach ache is happening at the drop off line? Those are really good conversations to start having with your child and I just can't imagine what an impact it's going to be on their health, their wellness and their confidence. So tying the emotion to where the child feels in the body.
Jessica Bryant 40:19
Linsey also provided us all with a way to release that emotional energy from their body. And that was the tension exercise where you start with curling your toes and tensing your feet. And you slowly move up your legs and your knees and your hips and your chest and your head and your jaw. And you hold it, hold it, hold it, and then you release. And you can just even start modeling that during the day. If you're in a moment with a child, and you're super frustrated. You know, in the past, I said Mommy needed a timeout, and I would go to my room, but this could be at the park. And you could model that you do the tension exercise in front of them, and you hold it, hold it, hold it, and then you take a deep breath. And then you're calmer in that space, and your child sees it. So you can even introduce it that way. Because you've tried it yourself. First, you're modeling it. And then when you're in bed at bedtime with your child, you're giving them that same strategy that they can even do independently as they grow. My mind is blown.
Jessica Bryant 41:33
Safety spray. Safety spray was a hot strategy when our kids were younger. And it pops up from time to time. And Linsey talks about using monster spray. And I talk about using safety spray, because we've talked about the power of the words we use. And safety is you know, keeping us safe. And so it kind of taps into that imagination. And that cognitive explosion that can often be going on when children are talking about their fears in the middle of the night, the way the curtain blows, or the air condition kicks on or the tree shadow in their room. Their minds are developing. And it can just run wild and they don't have the language to match up. So safety spray is a great strategy for that. It's kind of a transition piece. And like Linsay said, you know, her daughter may be refilled at one time.
Jessica Bryant 42:36
Another one that I know we do as adults, but teaching children from the beginning replacing those thoughts. If they can tell you and this may be more of a school age, but I think you can still model it in the toddler preschooler, you know where you're kind of saying, My bed is comfortable, my Oh, my pillow is soft, and my lovey is close to me and I'm thankful for Mommy, I'm thankful for Daddy, my thankful for my babysitter. So the replacing worries or negative thoughts with positive ones great coping skill. And the reminder that as parents, we're working to stretch our children a little bit beyond their capacity. We talked about that in Episode 16, which I'll link below. But it's We're just helping them grow and keeping them moving forward and equipping them with these coping skills and these emotional wellness that is going to set them up for success in life.
Jessica Bryant 43:49
And lastly, books you know, incorporating books to talk about emotions to help you address different kinds of emotions, at bedtime, or in the afternoon when you do your regular reading if you do not read books at bedtime, and Linsay is a great resource for that as she releases Book Love Friday, every Friday she shows a new book that ties a different emotion or a different topic. A lot of times hard topics that when they come up as parents we are at a total loss. So that's a good thing to be sure to follow.
Jessica Bryant 44:31
And like I said I took so many notes when editing this episode. So I decided to throw them together and create a free resource that highlights all the strategies that Linsey offered, and also has a page with different scripts for you to adapt for your own needs. And I I would love it to know if this is the kind of resource that is really helpful to you or not either way it helps me know how to formulate and serve you better, because that, of course is the goal here at Good Mornings. Through this resource, I'm hoping to give you the strategies to feel like you have respected your child's needs, you've validated their feelings, you've created a safe place for sharing. And all while being able to have an easier time maintaining those healthy sleep habits so that your child can process those emotions and wake up feeling well rested and stay on track.
Jessica Bryant 45:35
So I'll list the link to download in the show notes below this episode for that resource on the takeaways from today. But you can also visit my website at www.sleephappyconsulting.com/bedtimeemotions and you can access that resource. It was so great to have Linsey back on the show. And I will be sure to link all of the things for you to reach out to her and to follow her for more of her amazing strategies and how she helps children and families be their best selves. If you're enjoying this season of good mornings, will you help support our efforts and continuing to bring you quality free content by leaving a review on your favorite platform. I can't tell you how much these help people find the podcasts and it helps us know that you're listening. So we really appreciate you taking the extra time to click and share your thoughts. The process is simple, it takes less than 30 minutes. on Apple podcasts scroll down to the episodes lists where you can see the words write a review. And on Spotify, click the star right under the logo of the show right next to the word parenting. Your review means so much to us. Thank you again for listening and supporting the show. And also for choosing to have a good morning.
Jessica Bryant 47:17
I loved hanging out with you today. And I'm so grateful you were here. I hope you left feeling comforted by the messages you heard. I hope they helped you quiet the societal pressures that are in your mind and focus on what really matters to you in your parenting journey. I also hope you heard messages that made you feel like the good parents you already are. If you enjoy the show, and you would like more information about me and Sleep Happy Consulting. The process is simple. First, visit my website at www.sleephappyconsulting.com or click the link in today's show notes. Second, sign up for our weekly Sleep Happy email. And third, stay connected with Sleep Happy and the Good Mornings Podcast. Thank you for listening and being a part of this space where we value rest and solving sleepless nights so that it's easy for you to choose to have good mornings. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is the Good Mornings Podcast.
Jessica Bryant has been called the best speaker on baby sleep, transitioning to parenting, and balancing work and family. She is a woman who loves speaking to corporate audiences, postpartum support groups, and church communities about how to parent the way you dreamed of. She is a sleep strategist and host of the Good Mornings Podcast.
UPDATE: On June 21, 2023 (after the recording of this episode) Linsey Hammon, child life specialist and grief counselor, changed the name of her business from Lighthouse Counsel Center to Lighthouse of Hope because she felt it better represented her unwavering commitment to helping children navigate life’s challenges with strength.
The Good Mornings Podcast is the best parenting podcast for moms and dads. The transcript for this episode is created by Otter.AI, so please excuse any typos, misspellings and grammar mistakes.
