10: Do You Have a Yes Space?
In This Episode:
Yes Spaces are good for parents and children. They help build independence and confidence from the start. Listen to find Jessica’s top suggestions on how to create one in your own home. Let’s shed the pressure to entertain your child 24/7 by creating a Yes Space together.
The Big Idea
Create a Yes Space in your home to set your child up for success in building their autonomy, their creativity, and their sense of self.
Questions I Answer
How can young children learn to do things on their own?
How can you keep your child safe and let them learn at the same time?
What can parents say to help kids build their self-confidence?
Should my child play independently at home?
Actions to Take
Take five minutes to consider a Yes Space for your home. Think about where you might put it or if you have one already, is there anything you can do to change it to make it more enticing for your child/children?
Of course if you want to talk with me more about your Yes Space, schedule a one hour call with me.
Help spread the word about our podcast (and help other parents) by leaving a review. Take a snapshot of the review, share it with a friend and send it over to me to let me know that you've left a review and what your feedback is!
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(00:00):
Hello friends and welcome to Good Mornings. I'm your host Jessica Bryant. This is episode 10 "Do you have a Yes Space?"
(00:13):
Welcome to the Good Morning podcast. I'm your host Jessica Bryant. I'm a pediatric sleep strategist and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Many parents today are spinning their wheels, living from sun-up to sundown in a cycle of overwhelm, frustration, and some serious exhaustion. I'm here to tell you there is another way. Let's follow that frustration together, find out what's not working so you can decide to change course confidently and move towards a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow starts with a good morning. Having good mornings is more than sleep. It's about being intentional with how you set your child up for success in the world, how you show your child to care for their mind, their bodies and others so they can reach their full potential. And you, you are the best person for the job. So let's decide to have a good morning.
(01:25):
I am so excited to be here with you today. I can't believe we're on our 10th episode of our inaugural season and it has just been such a joy for our team to put together this information and learn how to podcast and learn how it all works. And so we're excited to hear your feedback and as we, the next couple of episodes, we're gonna close out with 13. And you know, I think over the last few weeks we've talked about travel and early wake-ups. We've talked about what types of products help your child sleep and what types of products are not required, their personal preference for sleep. We've talked about the importance of sleep and we've talked about the winter, and how some families kind of get to bedtime and all of a sudden start worrying about if their child is cold. So just giving you some tips and tools for your own parenting toolbox so that you can parent confidently the way that you always dreamed of.
(02:41):
So today we're gonna talk about a 'Yes Space', and it's often one of those things that is an afterthought. And you know, as a child development expert, it's one of my favorite things because I love observing children, learning and playing and doing their work. And I really feel that over the last couple years, some families have moved away from the Yes Space. And it's more accepted for the child to be able to move all over the house, you know, whether, you know, from the kitchen to the bathroom, to upstairs to downstairs. And a lot of families come to me worn out when their babies are becoming mobile. And you know, my, my child doesn't play independently and I don't know if they're supposed to, but I'm exhausted. So today I wanted to talk about Yes Spaces and why I really love them and how, you know, I like to think of a play space as a Yes Space, but I also like to think of a sleep space as a Yes Space.
(03:55):
So let's dive into talking about the play space as a Yes Space. So back in 1997, I was a nanny while I was in college for a family who had a set of twins and they at the time had no childproofing on their house. And of course I was paid to be there eight hours a day. And so my job, my whole job was the focus of the children. And when we started, when they were three months and as they grew and started becoming mobile, they were in the bathroom with me. Um, they were getting into things when I was prepping their food. There was a period of time that they were learning to crawl and they would get up the stairs, <laugh>. And it was really, really scary for a 21 year old to have to go get something for a child and come back.
(04:54):
And one of the children was on the stairs and one of the children had their hand in the toilet <laugh>. So of course I spent my day, many of them sitting on the stairs as the little boy and girl crawled up and down the stairs. But I remembered that exhaustion. And when it came time to that I had twins, I thought about that and I remembered, I was like, we're gonna set up almost like a preschool, an area where it is safe for free play, it's safe for, and they're confident in that space. They're not trying to crawl out, they're not screaming, crying, looking for you. How can I build this space into our daily lives from the start? And as parents today, there's a lot of mixed messages. Those messages tend to show or signal to parents that they should be protecting their child from every discomfort and every failure.
(05:54):
For example, I was at a home visit and we moved, you know, when I arrived they were, you know, feeding the eight month old in her highchair and we were talking and then when she was finished eating, we moved into the playroom. And what I observed as I was taking notes to create their sleep plan was that they had a cushioned floor and they had toys in this section of the house and dad was following the little girl around. Um, and he was kind of, he was kind of crouched down, almost like trying to balance and squat at the same time because the little girl was learning how to crawl and she was reaching for the top of the sofa and he was very concerned about. And so he would just move her hands down because he did not want her to fall. And I quickly talked to him about, oh, we really want her to fall <laugh>.
(07:00):
And he looked at me kind of strangely and I was like, what happens if she does that in the crib? The reason they had hired me is they were transferring her to sleep and they were needing some help because it was no longer working. And so then we talked about the developmental skills of in eight month old and how that's gonna look in the crib and that she could be pulling to stand in the crib and that's great for her milestones. She's practicing those gross motor skills in a safe place and we want her to practice them on the couch and we want her to fall and learn how to catch herself, um, protect herself versus dad doing it for him. And he really was like, that makes total sense. I hadn't thought of it that way. And just another, another piece of this story is we walked into the nursery and I immediately noticed the placement of the mattress For an eight month old, it was very high, which totally makes sense because mom and dad were rocking, carrying to sleep.
(08:05):
And so, especially when their child is bigger and heavier in eight months, it's harder to reach and lay a baby all the way down when the mattress is at the bottom of the crib. So I immediately told them that we could not proceed until we lowered the mattress all the way to the bottom because where it was located, it might have been on the second rung and she could have easily sat up and like tipped over. So I wanted them to have confidence that she was safe and they, when they were putting her down in the crib awake, that she wasn't going to catapult herself out. So both of those things are examples of, they were not Yes Spaces, they were not safe spaces and the playroom, you know, was on the safe side, but if mom or dad were never letting her play by herself in there or for with them being in the, even in the hallway.
(09:05):
So parents today feel that pressure to entertain their child 24/7, but they don't know what to do when they hit that point, that moment of desperation where they need a break, they need to walk away and take a deep breath, they need to go to the bathroom. Or what if they have the stomach bug and they have to throw up, you know, or they need to take a shower. So I like to encourage families to consider the idea of creating a Yes Space from the beginning, from when you have a three month old, a four month old, before they're mobile, before they're rolling, you've got a safe space that you put them in that they are comfortable with. And later on we'll definitely talk about if that's not something that you chose to do when they were younger, how you can go about creating that space as an older baby ta that's moving or a toddler you know, that has all the mobile skills.
(10:03):
So we're definitely gonna talk about the big idea is that a Yes Space is good for parents and children and it builds independence and confidence from the start. Another caveat is it's great for siblings. So if you have a younger child and you're keeping them separated, not separated, but where they do not have access to maybe reaching for the matchbox car or the tiny Legos and you have that safe place to put the three month old to explore their toys, that's separate from maybe your three-year-old's toys. Another option there is that the three-year-old has a guest space that is, is their room and they can use it for quiet time and things like that where they aren't interrupted by eight month old brother who's, who's crawling in and ripping things out of his hand or ruining that beautiful Lego building that they had just built.
(11:10):
Creating a guest face simplifies your child's world so they feel safe to explore at their own pace. <laugh> studies show that yes, spaces build autonomy, sense of self fosters, creativity, confidence, problem solving, self-directed play. I mean, who doesn't want that for their child, right? And opportunities to develop independence are immensely important for children to build a sense of self and self-esteem. And the most important of all, which you know that I have older children and I have one in college now and there are so many studies out there right now about our young adults not being able to tolerate frustration. And so definitely building in that frustration tolerance and that resilience and perseverance from a very young age as really setting that precedent for our children to learn from the very beginning how much to trust themselves and how to work through the uncomfortable. So let's talk about a few ideas of what Yes Spaces look can look like.
(12:27):
Definitely put this in the comments I know on Spotify you can write comments or you can reach out to me on Instagram and ask your questions about how you struggle with a Yes Space or how you have successfully created a yes face and why you personally like it. I love to chat with you more about this, but I also know that everybody's living quarters are different. So I'll tell you a few of my ideas and hopefully you can share some of yours so that more moms and dads, um, can have an understanding of the concept of a Yes Space. So babies who are not mobile, couple of ideas for Yes Spaces. So number one, a pack and play. Um, just setting up a pack and play and putting your child in there with a few toys from the very beginning and maybe they're not in that space very long and you build up, you know, 10 to 15 minutes or you put them in there while you shower.
(13:31):
You can always play music or um, and you just have a few toys, you know, or something to chew on, maybe a textured blanket to play those kind of things. Um, as they're moving around in their space, then you can graduate to a play yard for the twins. Um, we set up a little, uh, gated area of our living room, but it didn't really work terribly well because at the time we lived in a very small 1950s house, but as soon as they started crawling, we moved them to their bedroom. But a play yard is great because it's sections off the area and if you start putting them in there, you know, five, six months before they're, you know, crawling and moving, they love that space. It's their space, they're comfortable. You can change out the toys. You don't need as many toys because they're also, um, developing gross motor and fine motor.
(14:33):
They can crawl around in that space and you can get your chores done or work in the same space as well or take care of your other children. So the one way we made it work in a really small house is in their bedroom. I really limited all the toys and made it really simple and made sure that they could not get into the closet. And I put a gate on their room and I kept it really light and they started out in there just kind of laying on blankets and looking around and I would be kind of catty corner across from them, um, working in the kitchen or doing laundry cuz our house was so small so they could hear me nearby. They got used to seeing me like walk down the hallway and they could spend time in there and you can start with a very short amount of time and build up.
(15:29):
Um, especially with twins, they entertain themselves so it's often easier for them to stay in these types of spaces than it is sometimes a singleton. For my babies and toddlers that are already moving and already very aware of accessing things like cabinets or remote controls and moving around the house, it's a little bit trickier and it tastes a little bit more time and investment to teach them and build their confidence in their Yes Space. So this might look like that you go in the room with the toddler or in the play yard with the toddler and you and you directly play with him for longer periods of time, maybe 15 minutes, maybe 30 minutes at the beginning. And then you begin to scale back and you begin to not interact as much. You're, it's almost like parallel, like you are sitting in the play yard, but you are looking the other direction or you are watching them explore a new toy, but you are not actively intervening that way.
(16:38):
You're teaching the child that just having you in that space doesn't mean that you are fully engaged in the play. You're giving them that space to move farther away from you and get comfortable inside the gate in a sense or inside the boundary of their Yes Space. And then, you know, I would kind of make a plan to where maybe the first couple of times you're in there maybe 15 or 30 minutes. And then the second piece is maybe you're in there 15 minutes and you play with them for maybe three to five and then you see if they move farther away from you, um, and get engaged in another toy. And then you start to shorten your time there and allow them, you know, you might sit with them for just a few minutes and then tell them, you know, you'll be back when the 20 minutes is over or something like that.
(17:33):
And then you're praising them. I'm so proud of you for playing and exploring your new space, um, and entertaining yourself. I saw you banging on that, on that puzzle, or you know, anything that you want to say so that you are praising them for the actions that you appreciate, which is not standing at the edge of the gate and screaming and crying and lifting their arms out or trying to climb out. So those are just some tidbits to consider if you have a Yes Space or you're thinking of creating a Yes Space or you're expecting, and this is the first you've ever heard of a Yes Space. So you have plenty of time to think it through. So that's the biggest takeaway is feel confident in knowing how important independent play is and the value of setting your child up for success within a Yes Space.
(18:33):
A place where they have the freedom to access everything in that space, it's safe for them. And it's not that place where it's like, no, don't touch that or no move, move away from that. So like if you're in a free place where everything's available, there are many things that you can't touch or that are dangerous. So as moms and dads we're interrupting that child's exploration and learning by telling them no or moving them to a new place, we're interrupting that development. So that takeaway is just feeling confident about the Yes Space that you have about working on it and setting that up for your child to have that success and build their autonomy, their creativity, their sense of self. So I encourage you to take the following action step, take five minutes and just consider a Yes Space. Think about where you might put it in your house or if you have one already, is there anything you can do to change it to make it more enticing?
(19:43):
Are you having any problems with your Yes Space that you wanna reach out to me and talk about it more? Or maybe you are expecting your second child and so there's a lot of things to consider, but you might want to build in that Yes Space for your toddler. And if not, you might for sure want to think about it for your newborn. So I hope you have enjoyed today's show and I'm really excited about the next three episodes. So I appreciate you showing up and joining in the conversation today. And it just has been so exciting to work as a team to build these resources for moms and dads so that they can have incredible mornings. You can really help spread the word about our podcast and help other parents by leaving a review. Take a snapshot of it, share it with a friend, send it over to me, me, and let me know that you've left a review and what your feedback is. And together we can help more families have good mornings.
(21:01):
I sure hope you left feeling encouraged. I loved hanging out with you today and I am so grateful you were here. If you would like more information about Sleep Happy, be sure to visit our website at sleephappyconsulting.com and sign up for our weekly emails. If you liked what you heard today, please share this podcast with your friends or your favorite parenting group. I can't wait to get to know you and learn more about how I can lift you up in the journey of parenting. Fulfilled families are our mission. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is The Good Morning's Podcast.
Jessica Bryant helps parents stop fighting sleep with their young children. She provides strategies to help babies sleep through the night, take naps, and stay healthy.
