09: It Starts With Sleep
In This Episode:
Jessica speaks on how to build open communication with your baby because you can’t have good sleep without good communication with your child. Though sharing a story about 8 month old Chloe and how sleep was just not working - how the rhythms Chole’s family had in place just couldn't be sustained any longer. Jessica details how figuring out the difference between Chloe’s various communications, or cues, by using the 3Ps; Pausing, Paying Attention and Providing, allowed her family to set new patterns and finally get the sleep the whole family needed.
The Big Idea
Babies are born with the ability to communicate different needs.
Questions I Answer
What is my child trying to tell me?
How to know what my baby’s cry means?
Is it okay for my child to stare off into space?
What is the most important thing when building healthy sleep routines?
Can my partner observe different cues than I do from my child?
My baby only cries because they are hungry, right?
Actions to Take
Download my free It Starts With Sleep guide and hang it on your fridge.
Get out a piece of paper to jot down notes about your child’s communication to compare with your partner.
Consider Hitting that Pause Button the very next time your baby or toddler cries if you're struggling with sleep
Subscribe for a drop of encouragement in your inbox each week and stay motivated to keep those restful nights and good mornings coming by subscribing to my newsletter (Use the Keep Up With Sleep form at the bottom of this page)
Resources/Links
My free It Starts With Sleep guide
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(00:00):
Hello friends, and welcome to Good Mornings. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode nine, "It Starts With Sleep".
(00:12):
Welcome to the Good Morning podcast. I'm your host Jessica Bryant. I'm a pediatric sleep strategist and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Many parents today are spinning their wheels, living from sun up to sundown in a cycle of overwhelm, frustration, and some serious exhaustion. I'm here to tell you there is another way. Let's follow that frustration together. Find out what's not working so you can decide to change course confidently and move towards a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow starts with a good morning. Having good mornings is more than sleep. It's about being intentional with how you set your child up for success in the world, how you show your child to care for their mind, their bodies, and others so they can reach their full potential. And you, you are the best person for the job. So let's decide to have a good morning.
(01:24):
Hello everyone. I wanna tell you a story. A story about a family that reached out to me that is very similar to many other families that reach out to me in a time of overwhelm and massive sleep deprivation. A family that loves their child, that loves each other and, and really wants to figure out why sleep's not working. And it's a family where this question pops up so frequently in families that I work with, whether it be one-on-one families, whether it will be at a speaking event, uh, for a corporation or a community event. It's a very common theme and, and it's something simple. So I'd like to tell you the story of Chloe. And Chloe was eight months old. Her mom reached out to tell me that sleep was just not working, and the patterns and rhythms they had in place, she just couldn't sustain them any longer.
(02:32):
She was herself exhausted. She didn't feel like she was a good parent to her older daughter. She didn't feel like she had any time for her partner. She was really struggling managing work, and she wanted to know how to go about shifting the patterns they had in place and getting more sleep for her daughter and for herself. And when she came to me, she explained that her solution to the struggles they were having with sleep was to survive. Nothing wrong with that, absolutely, but she had found once she created this new rhythm that she couldn't stick with it and she had no idea how to get out of it. So she explained that she was going to bed with the eight month old each night. She was nursing every hour all night long. She was waking up multiple times and mom did not have any anything else in her toolkit to help stretch and connect cycles and help her baby sleep more age appropriately and get this rest.
(03:43):
She needs to connect and develop and have a healthy brain as well. So she just stayed kind of frozen in that predicament because she didn't know what else to do. And so when we were working together on our first call, one of the first questions was, tell me about Chloe's sleepy cue. Tell me what her cue is when you know she's hungry. And what her cue is when you know she's tired. And I heard the very common, really long pause, and mom said, well, well, what do you mean? And I talked about cries and how young children communicate and that baby signal it's their way to survive, their cries, and how sometimes they're signaling that they're uncomfortable or sometimes they're bored, especially like an eight month old who is so motivated with gross motor skills and you know, whether they're already crawling or they're rolling or moving, sitting up, moving around.
(04:51):
It's a big stage where they're motivated to move and explore. And mom said, well, I mean, every cry to me means that she's hungry. So I feed her and I said, okay. I said, is there any weight concerns, any health concerns, any, any growth problems, you know, that, that we need to know about when we're talking about sleep? And she said, oh, no, she's large for her age. She nurses really. Well, she doesn't eat solids that much, but no, she's, she's growing, you know, she's quite big for her age. And I said, okay, good. I just wanted to make sure. Oh no, she just, she needs to comfort nurse, you know, to get back to sleep, those kind of things. And I said, okay. And I said, so what is her tired cue? And she said, I really, I really don't know. And this comes up a lot in my practice, as I said.
(05:47):
And there's ways around this. There's ways that I really help. This is definitely what I do with my expecting parents and my newborn parents. It's, let's talk about those first couple of months really focusing on your child's signaling and communicating, because that is a game changer when you know the cry and the body language. Like my daughter, she would, my first child, she would root around, she would, I called her a baby bird because she would bang and bang on my shoulder when she was rooting or hungry. And then when she was tired, she would turn away from me. Or she, if she's really tired, she might have that seven mile stare where she's not blinking. Sometimes she would kind of like scratch at her skin, or she would do these really funky movements with her uncoordinated movements with her feet. So kind of herky jerky.
(06:46):
And so I would also reflect on what time of day it was, and I was like, oh, you're tired. It's almost, you know, it's almost you're awake time. And I would go and put her down. So when we have a family that doesn't know the difference between the communications, whether it's gas, whether it's hunger, whether it's, whether it's sleep, whether it is, you know, bowel movements, all of those things, it's really hard to start working on new patterns. So I have created the three Ps, and those three Ps are just wrapping around an acronym specifically for, for my families that you may have heard before. But I want you to think in terms of how to hit the pause button. And so that's what we're gonna talk about today. The Good Morning's Podcast is all about starting with the end in mind, starting off parenting, focusing on the big picture, how you and your partner desire to launch your children into the world.
(07:52):
And today will be answering that question I hear so often in my practice working with families or with groups. But Jessica, what do you mean when you say, what is my child's sleepy cue? And what is your child's conquer cue? I don't understand. So today I'm gonna provide you with a link to download that information that you wish that you had left the hospital with, or the birthing center or the adoption agency when you became a parent. You wish you had these tidbits of where to start because you want to build open communication with your baby. And that is the first step to building routines of knowing when your child needs to be fed of knowing when your child needs to sleep and to build that rhythm from the beginning. Here are a few core beliefs in what we're talking about. We believe that babies are born with the ability to communicate different needs.
(09:00):
It's also normal as a new parent or an old parent to be confused about your child's cues. It's okay learning the difference between the hunger and sleep cue is pivotal for building healthy sleep routines. We have to think about when a baby arrives earth side and we have to think in terms of they're in a foreign land and they're figuring out their way, right? And you as the parent <laugh>, they're speaking of foreign language, right? And it's almost like you have to immerse yourself in your baby's world. And I mean, immerse, I mean, having a resource for the different cues, keeping that resource open on the couch in the bedroom, wherever you are making notes, talking with your partner about what do you think that means? Oh, you know, she did that yesterday and I went to feed her and she resisted the feeding. So I'm, I really wanna test today and see if I follow that same cue and I go put her down for sleep if that works better.
(10:16):
You know, sometimes one parent sees a cue more clearly than another, another way, instead of thinking of it as a foreign language, another way that dads often think of it is, what is my child's check engine light? When does my child's signal, oops, I need a diaper change. Or, oh, I need a change of scenery. Or, oh, I need somebody to put me down. Like making that guidebook of what your child is communicating is going to make your days so much easier. That's the foundation of parenting, along with creating those good, healthy sleep routines that fit the needs of your individual child so that those sleep routines can grow and develop and lengthen as your child needs. Just today, I was following up on a schedule check with a longtime client, and she had called about her two and a half year old, and she wanted to talk through his current schedule, and she started off the call and she said, he's such a good sleeper, Jessica.
(11:24):
He, he loves his bed, he loves bedtime. You know, he is sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. And it's so helpful for me and my anxiety because when he does wake up in the middle of the night, I know what the issue is and I have confidence in how I respond. And that is exactly the goal that I have for all my clients. When we're not, when we're not not confused, when we've got the patterns lined up and our child is confident in their sleep patterns, or whether they are five months or 30 months, you know, their communication. You know, when they're crying out in pain, you know when they are sick and you know when they're struggling with teething versus, you know, when you're just kind of wondering like, and you're running through your head all the checklists because it happens every night, multiple times a night.
(12:24):
And that's not necessarily them waking up crying because they have a need. They're waking up crying because they're mad that they're awake and they, they're not confident in their skills and they don't know how to get them back, self back to sleep. So let's dive into what these tips are to get you communicating as soon as possible, whether you have an eight week old or an eight month old, this is where we go. It's that guide for parents to push the pause button. Pushing that pause button is the first step in evaluating your current sleep and moving towards change. So we're gonna hit the pause button, that's the first p. And for our newborns and babies, the reason I want you to hit that pause button is I don't want you to automatically assume that cry is for hunger. I want you to catch yourself, and I want you to listen for the communication.
(13:26):
I want you to get face-to-face with that baby. What sounds are they making? Are they making cries? Are whims, is it a high-pitched cry? Is it a groan? What is your baby's gestures or body language? What are they doing? Are they squirming? Are they lifting their body? Are they pecking at your shoulder? Uh, like they're rooting like a little bird? Are they rubbing their eyes? So much of a baby's communication is in the body language and the cry and deciphering that, which I talk about all the time, which I'm not gonna go into specific cues today. That will be another episode. And that is definitely something we can always do on a one-on-one consultation, which I have several options for that over on my website, www.sleephappyconsulting.com. You can also find me over on Instagram at sleep happy if you have questions and are looking for help to get more information about individualized support and more knowledge on specific cues.
(14:43):
The other thing that you're paying attention to, the second P paying attention is what time of day is it? What is the environment like? And yes, I'm listing off a lot of things, but this analysis can start off kind of slow, especially when it's all new, a newborn, those kind of things. And then it can get pretty quickly because you're just like, you're checking boxes in your head. And you don't have to do this for very long. Because once you start to see a pattern from that pausing that you're like, oh yes, this is gas, or you know, oh yes, this is tired, it's time for nap. It becomes more seamless and predictable. And the last P is provide based on what you see, what you hear, and what you know, provide response, offer that feeding, move towards, you know, putting on the sleep sack and going down for a nap.
(15:35):
Address, sickness, gassiness, change of location, any of those other things. So it's you're pushing the pause button, you're paying attention and you're providing, and those are the three Ps that help you in the moment of the crazy, develop an open line of communication with your baby. And then you confidently know that you're, in a sense, your child is leading the way. I don't mean that they're the boss, but they're communicating with you. You're communicating back to them, and then you're moving through your day. And I had this question also, but Jessica, I'm not a hundred percent sure it's a sleepy cue. How do I know I don't wanna make a mistake? <laugh>? And at that home visit, I looked at mom and I said, that's how we learn as parents. We're all just figuring it out and we're all trying our best. And if you make a mistake and offer a feeding and your child isn't hungry, or doesn't take a full feed, or gets really refluxy and burpy after feeding, because when you look back at the schedule, you're like, oh, they just ate an hour ago.
(16:57):
Or That must be why they only took one ounce. You know, make that note and think, okay, tomorrow when I see that cue, I'm gonna try taking the baby back to the nursery and putting the sleep sack on and just, just standing there with him and seeing if he settles and seeing if I see more sleepy cues after those first ones. So you can find this information on my website. It starts with sleep is my free download. It covers the parenting framework for all ages. So if you're thinking, well, I don't have a newborn, I have a toddler, and our naps aren't working, then there is the same pause, pay attention and provide information for toddlers, school age and teens because it's just that kind of, Hey, what's not working is not working, and I've realized that, but I don't know what to do next.
(17:54):
The next thing you can do is hit the pause button and think about the patterns that you're conditioning your baby toddlers for, and what's working and what's not working. And let me check myself, let me make sure I've got this communication right. And it's just a really quick place to start because what happens if we don't have an open line of communication for our babies and toddlers, if we're always assuming their needs, if we're cutting off their communication and we are doing it for them, often that child doesn't communicate as much, their cues aren't as clear. If every response is the same, why would you keep communicating and differentiating your communication? So I can't wait to hear what you think about this. It's probably something you've heard before, but maybe I've said it in a different way. But the three Ps are a step-by-step guide on how to push pause and look at the rhythms of your day a little bit differently and get face-to-face or down on your child's level and communicate with them and make sure that communication is a back and forth open line.
(19:16):
My goal for you with this episode is for you to be confident in what your child is communicating to you. And having that confidence is so freeing. It leaves the space for us to develop rhythms. It allows us to build those routines at bedtime, to stretch that sleep, to build your child's confidence. It's just the very first thing to do. It's the very first thing is to build that open communication with your baby and acknowledge and have that belief that your child has the ability to communicate their needs. And it's looking to you for you to help set up the structure so the child gets their needs met and it's growing and developing and being fulfilled, and, and then they grow up and they reach their full potential. And you feel that that fulfillment that you, you haven't been stuck in overwhelm, you haven't been stuck in sleep deprivation, you haven't been stuck irrigable and grouchy and just frustrated in parenthood, frustrated with your partner in your family home.
(20:29):
So that's today's pep talk. Um, I'd love to know what you think about it. Remember, you can go to www.sleephappyconsulting.com/free to access the It Starts With Sleep download, and I want you to consider hitting that pause button the very next time your baby or toddler cries if you're struggling with sleep. And that's all for today. If you have not visited my new website and signed up for my newsletter, please go check it out, subscribe so that you can get an easily get a drop of encouragement in your inbox each week. Learn more about the sleep happy mission and be motivated to keep those restful nights and good mornings coming. As I join alongside you to navigate Parenthood fully rested.
(21:31):
I sure hope you left feeling encouraged. I loved hanging out with you today and I am so grateful you were here. If you would like more information about sleep happy, be sure to visit our website at sleephappyconsulting.com and sign up for our weekly emails. If you liked what you heard today, please share this podcast with your friends or your favorite parenting group. I can't wait to get to know you and learn more about how I can lift you up in the journey of parenting. Fulfilled families are our mission. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is The Good Mornings podcast.
Jessica Bryant helps parents stop fighting sleep with their young children. She provides strategies to help babies sleep through the night, take naps, and stay healthy.
